Sporting Press

The King

SOMEWHERE DOING THE CANNONBALL (SP) -- SportingPress.com digs the new Dunkin Donuts ads featuring former Oklahoma/Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer. 

And to think Joe Paterno once thought he needed to save us from the "Barry Switzer's of the world." Let's see JoePa do the cannonball. We didn't think so.

Ramirez Suspended

LOS ANGELES (SP) -- Los Angeles Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez has been suspended for using illegal performance-enhancing drugs. 

Major League Baseball officials discovered Ramirez had been prescribed human chorionic gonadotropin, or H.C.G., a fertility drug for women.

The league suspended Ramirez for 50 games, or long enough to have the child.

Marilyn Chambers, Polo and Sky Serpents: The Weird World of the SP Mailbag

SOMEWHERE PHONING IT IN (SP) -- Since its debut in 1998, SportingPress.com has attracted a loyal, if slightly odd, following. As a result, SP message boards and comments sections are among the most entertaining and popular online.

Here are three recent comments received by SportingPress.com:

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America's greatest actress of all time, Marilyn Chambers, keels over dead.

How can we go on?

Posted by: Ah What's the Use? | April 15, 2009 at 12:00 PM

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Of course most of you have never been to a polo game on account of your financial status. Let’s face it, it’s just us rich folks who get to play or even watch polo.

Anyway, I went to my first polo game down in Florida a few days ago. God it was nice! Talk about Snootsville! There wasn’t anyone there who wasn’t a member of The Elect, not one (well, except for the servants). Everyone drove up in their Jags, Benzs, Bentleys, etc. and when they got out of their cars you shoulda seen the threads they had on! Then everybody got ready for the main event.

Just before the horses came out of the barn, the vet injected poison into each one. So just when the guys were getting ready to mount up the horses started keeling over dead. Most died instantly, but for added excitement a few kicked and thrashed around for a good half hour.

God it was fun! I hope that all of you can make enough money one day to go to a polo game.

Posted by: Polo is one cool game | April 24, 2009 at 05:24 AM

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Early this morning a gigantic sky serpent attacked Sporting Press and devoured all of the sportswriters.

Sporting Press issued the following statement: "NOW do you understand why we haven't updated the site in two weeks? For Christ's sake you morons, all of our sportswriters have been eaten by a sky serpent!"

Billy Nesbitt, a typesetter who witnessed the event, said "that sumbitch was huge! He was a good 150' long and 10 feet in diameter in his midsection. Them sportswriters didn't have a chance!"

By coincidence the current issue of "Fortean Times" features sky serpents and the devastation they often wreak on humanity.

Posted by: Sky Serpent Attacks Sporting Press! | April 28, 2009 at 12:52 PM

Brick's Bracket: GENIUS!

By Brick Stevens
SportingPress.com 

Basketball Editor Emeritus

The final tabulations are in and it appears I correctly narrowed the field of 64 college basketball teams  participating in this year's NCAA Division I basketball tournament to a single, eventual champion: North Carolina.

I've had numerous people stop me on the street and ask: "Brick, how did you do it? Out of 64 possible outcomes, how did you select on the team that would turn out to be the national champion?"

The truth is I am not about to share my tried-and-true methodology with you. Suffice to say, I am a professional sports writer. It is my business to know these things and how I arrive at these conclusions is what separates me, a professional sports journalist, from you, an average fan.

My ability to correctly pick the winner in any given athletic competition doesn't make me better than you. I am, after all, human and I have human failings. None related to sports, mind you, but failings nonetheless. 

The good news is I share my gifts here at SportingPress.com on the InterWeb for all to enjoy -- free of charge. 

(The SportingPress.com Company Store is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week via the link to the left. Official SP brand shirts, hats and coffee mugs are available at everyday low prices. Get one for your sports fan today! Tell 'em Brick sent you!)

Brick's Bracket: Round Two/Day One

Brick Stevens

SportingPress.com Basketball Beat Writer

Apparently President Obama went 8 for 8 yesterday. The Brickster managed only a 6-2 record, thanks to Illinois' early departure and Texas' inability to pull the Duke upset.

Similar problems await me in today's games with early outs by Wake and Florida State. I have to be honest, I'm still scratching my head and wondering why I flirted with a Leonard Hamilton team. I also need a Dayton win over Kansas to do well today. Seems unlikely.

Still, like most Americans who went with the faves and near faves, my Final Four remains intact. Although after a couple games, I'm now wondering why I picked Memphis over UConn and UNC to win it all. 

If I were to shuffle things after the first round, I'd take Oklahoma to beat the Tar Heels and Connecticut over the Tigers.

Today's Most Interesting Game? Oklahoma State vs Pitt. If Oklahoma State hits threes, they're in any game. Pitt was underwhelming in its opener. 

Today's Least Interesting Game? Arizona and Cleveland State, an unlikely battle of 12 and 13 seeds, the winner of which has absolutely no chance to win its next game.

Brick's Bracket: Round One/Day Two

By Brick Stevens
SportingPress.com Basketball Intern

Bloodbath. The Brickster played it conservative on a day when the favorites were about as safe as a Twinkie in Byron Eaton's locker.

10-6 on Friday for a two day total of 23-9.

Cleveland State over Wake Forest? Please. No one saw that coming. Tell me one non-Viking alum, who picked CleSt over Wake Forest?

Instead of a halftime speech, Leonard Hamilton apparently turned on the locker room TV so that his Florida State players could hear the CBS halftime show declare it would take a miracle for the Badgers to overcome the 12-point halftime deficit.

I head into Saturday's second round with one loss already on the books, as Illinois is not around to beat Gonzaga. Need upsets from Texas and (!) Dayton.

SPORTINGPRESS.COM EXTRA:

BLAKE GRIFFIN ASSAULT PREDICTION

Oklahoma's national player of the year candidate has been tackled, kicked, punched in the groin, elbowed in the face, knocked out and judo tossed. The Brickster predicts the martial arts action will continue today when a Michigan player today will pull a set of nunchakas from the back of his waistband and wave them around, Bruce Lee-style. Sadly, he winds up hitting himself in the head and knocking himself out.

Ali! Ali! Ali!

KANSAS CITY (SP) -- Would you like a little Aikido with your basketball?

Brick's Bracket: Round One/Day One

By Brick Stevens
SportingPress.com Basketball Editor

The Leader of the Free World went 11-5 on his first day of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.  The Brickster? 13-3 -- and I was one Eric Maynor 17-foot jumper from 14-2. 

That one hurt. I like VCU and have a general disdain for all things Pac-10 (I also picked Washington to lose ... that game wasn't close).

Today? I like Travis F*** and his Effin' Cowboys over that wacky funster, Bruce Pearl, and his Volunteers.

Best games tomorrow are in the East, where TEXAS plays Duke, and in the South, where OKLAHOMA meets upset-minded Michigan (Brick's Picks in CAPS).

Brick's Bracket

By Brick Stevens

Sporting Press Basketball Writer

Opening round ... Advance the No 1, 2 and 3 seeds. I'll take Mississippi State over Washington,  Michigan over Clemson, Butler over LSU, Texas A&M over BYU, Oklahoma State over Tennessee, and VCU over UCLA. 

Second round ... Advance the No. 1 and 2 (except Duke) and 3 seeds (except Kansas). In the other games in each regional, I like Florida State over Xavier, Illinois over Gonzaga, Purdue over Miss. State and Wake Forest over Utah.

Sweet 16 ... Advance the No. 1 seeds. Advance two-seeds Oklahoma, Michigan State and Memphis. Texas beats Villanova for the final slot.

Final Four ... Louisville, Pitt, UNC and Memphis. 

Finals ... Louisville and N. Carolina

National Champs ... Tar Heels.

A-Rod Comes Clean on Steroid Story

By Brick Stevens

SportingPress.com Baseball Writer

NEW YORK (SP) -- After investigative reporters across the country shot his initial apology full of holes, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez now admits that it wasn't his cousin in the Dominican Republic  who shot him with steroids. In an exclusive interview with SportingPress.com, Rodriguez said it was the "hada de diente" ... or tooth fairy.

"I made up the story about my cousin and the drug being available 'over the counter' because I was afraid people wouldn't believe me if I told the truth," Rodriguez said.

"The hada de diente came into my room while I was sleeping and, rather than  take the tooth under my pillow and replace it with money, she injected me with steroids," Rodriguez said. 

Rodriguez admitted he thought it was strange that his tooth was still under his pillow when he woke up and he had a mild burning sensation on his buttock. He said he put his tooth under the pillow every other week for six months - always with the same result: The tooth was there in the morning and his buttocks ached.

"I didn't tell anyone because not everyone believes in hada de diente. I did notice I felt much stronger after her visits, but I assumed it was some  kind of magical fairy dust, rather than steroids," he said. 

"I'm just happy that the truth is out there finally. And this time it's the real truth," Rodriguez said. "Really."