Sporting Press

Designated Wiper Ass-igned to Controversial Tiger Pitcher

By Spike
Sporting Press

ST. LOUIS (SP) -- Hoping to defuse the controversy that accompanied his appearance in the  second game of the World Series, Detroit Tigers officials have announced that they have signed former slugger Bobby Bonilla to serve as the "designated wiper" for star pitcher Kenny Rogers for the rest of the series.

Rogers appeared to have a slick, brownish-yellow stain on his pitching hand during the first inning of Sunday's game, when he led Detroit to victory with a two-hit performance over eight innings. A SPORTING PRESS exclusive has revealed that the "foreign substance" on Rogers' hand was not dirt or
pine tar, but feces -- the result of a particularly sloppy bowel movement and clean-up by Rogers minutes before taking the mound against the Cardinals, according to a Detroit clubhouse attendant.

Since SPORTING PRESS broke the story earlier this week, a number of major-league players, media members and bloggers have come forward to accuse the 41-year-old Rogers of throwing a "shitter" -- an outlawed pitch that uses smeared feces to change the course of the ball, much like a "spitter" or a "shine ball." The controversy has cast a dark cloud over the entire series, much to the dismay of MLB officials.

"No doubt about it -- the guy is dirty," said the bullpen coach for one major-league team who claimed to have intimate knowledge of Rogers' toilet habits. "You'd have to be blind not to see the skid marks on the ball."

Tigers officials hope the signing of Bonilla to wipe Rogers' ass will eliminate any appearance of impropriety on the part of the star  pitcher, who has yet to allow an earned run in 23 innings of post-season work -- a stark contrast to his spotty playoff record over the rest of his career.

"We believe the addition of Bobby Bonilla to the Detroit staff will put to rest any lingering doubts about Kenny's performance," Detroit general manager Dave Dombrowski said in a statement issued by the club. "Bobby is uniquely suited for this type of task -- he has large hands and a minimum of self-respect, and the generous sum he'll earn for not much work --  distasteful as it might be -- over the next few days suits his
personality to a T."

Bonilla, a former All-Star with Pittsburgh, became a laughingstock across the baseball world when the New York Mets decided they would rather pay off the balance of his $6-million-a-year contract in the late 1990s than include him on their roster. More than one of his Mets teammates at the time claimed Bonilla was nothing more than an "overpaid asswipe," a description that seems to have struck a chord with the Tigers.

Meanwhile, in attempting to take the steam out of one controversy, Detroit officials may have unwittingly started another. Rogers reportedly was miffed by suggestions that he is incapable of wiping his own ass without smearing feces all over his hand, shoving a camera man after exiting a bathroom stall in the Tigers' clubhouse at Busch Stadium in St. Louis before game 3 of the series on Tuesday.

"Get that %$#@^ thing outta my face!" Rogers yelled, concealing his pitching hand behind his back.

And rumors were circulating that Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez had issued the club an ultimatum on Tuesday, demanding that he be given his own designated wiper or that he be traded.

Rogers Flings Feces, Hitters Fan

By Spike
Sporting Press

DETROIT (SP) -- The "foreign substance" detected on the pitching hand of Detroit Tigers ace Kenny Rogers was not a smudge of dirt, as Rogers claimed, nor was it pine tar, as others have charged, after Rogers' two-hit, eight-inning performance against the St. Louis Cardinals in Sunday night's game two of the World Series.

A Tigers clubhouse attendant told SPORTING PRESS that the substance -- which had a brownish-yellow, shiny appearance in video and photos -- was, in fact, feces.

"Kenny had an attack of the runs right before the first pitch," the clubhouse attendant said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "He went in to take a dump during the national anthem, and when he got ready to wipe, he discovered there were only a few sheets left on the roll. I'm sure he did the best job he could, but in the end, he wound up getting it all over his hand. Poor bastard didn't even have time to wash up before he was due back on the mound."

The clubhouse attendant's version of events might help explain why Sunday night's umpire crew was reluctant to examine Rogers' hand after concerns were raised about the substance when the first inning was over.

"Think about it: Would you want to go sniffing a guy's hand after he wiped shit all over himself?" asked the attendant.

It remained to be seen what effect, if any, this latest revelation would have on the rest of the World Series. Major League Baseball umpire supervisor Steve Palermo did not respond to repeated inquiries from SPORTING PRESS about whether feces would qualify as a foreign substance, like pine tar or Vaseline, that could get a pitcher ejected for trying to gain an unfair competitive advantage.

1. Saturday night's Miami-Florida International brawl at the Orange Bowl reminded me of an unfortunate incident from my own college days when Wild Bill and I, both undergraduates at an institute of higher learning on the southern Great Plains, found ourselves squared off against an entire fraternity.

Walking home from our weekly Bible Study class, we were accosted by two dozen inebriated Sigma Nus who insulted our mothers and took particular exception to my "Kill the Rich" T-shirt. Despite our best efforts to avoid hostilities, it soon became apparent to us that we were going to have to battle our way out of the situation -- expecially after I called them "a bunch of f---ing douchebags and Wild Bill kicked their leader in the nuts.

A battle royale ensued, and we found ourselves under a pile of drunken, enraged young Reaganites intent on tearing us from limb to limb. Fortunately, we were able to put Wild Bill's many years of Tae Kwan Do training to good use, and he quickly sidelined a good 13 or 14 Sigma Nus with his magnificent roundhouse kicks and trademark Seven Toes of Death maneuver. Lacking any formal martial arts training myself, I resorted to biting as many of them as I could, and I believe the match ultimately would have been settled in our favor had I not mistaken Wild Bill's ankle for that of a particular Sigma Nu who had gouged my left eye earlier in the brawl.

My miscalculation distracted Wild Bill from his ass-whipping duties just long enough to provide the frat boys with the opening they needed. Having already dispatched Wild Bill with one swing, a particularly cowardly member of their aggregation was set to apply a Darryl Strawberry-model, 36-ounce Louisville Slugger to the back of my cranium when the campus cops arrived on the scene and ended the hostilities with a round of tear gas, taking everyone into custody.

After a lengthy investigation and the usual round of pious public pronouncements by the university president, Wild Bill and I were both suspended indefinitely from the school's math club. Surveillance camera videotape of the incident also revealed that I had been guilty of taking out the knee of the fraternity's secretary-treasurer with a tire iron, resulting in an additional penalty in my case of dismissal from the university's Future Media Scumbags of America chapter -- a stain on my permanent record that continues to haunt me to this day. The fraternity members were given a slap on the wrist, went out and got drunk, then went home and anally raped their entire pledge class.

2. Denver Bronocs coach Mike Shanahan can take that miserable excuse for a game plan he trotted out there Sunday night against the pathetic Oakland Raiders and shove it up his ass.

3. Better yet, he can shove it up Jake "The Mistake" Plummer's ass right before he puts him on waivers and trades him to some AFL2 team.

OU Prez Demands Asterisk for Remaining Games

By WB Aronson
Sporting Press

NORMAN, OKLA. (SP) -- University of Oklahoma President David Boren today sent a letter to Big 12 Commissioner Kevin Weiberg demanding that the remaining games on Oklahoma's schedule be played with an asterisk denoting the Sooners played the game without running back Adrian Peterson.

It's the second letter Weiberg has received from Boren this season. Following a controversial loss to Oregon, Boren fired off a letter demanding that the game be "stricken from the records."

"Oklahoma would have been the favorite in its remaining games against Colorado, Missouri, Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Baylor and Oklahoma State with Adrian Peterson in the line-up. Assuming these teams don't want to outright forfeit the games, it is the belief of the University of Oklahoma that the outcome of the games should be marked with an asterisk," Boren wrote.

Boren adds that the footnote should explain that the Sooners "played the game with a little Mexican replacing the greatest running back in school history."

Albom Pens New Bestseller During Seventh-Inning Stretch

By WB Aronson
Sporting Press

OAKLAND (SP) -- Sportswriter-turned-bestselling-novelist Mitch Albom wrote his newest book, "I Went to Heaven for Just One Day and Had Conversations With People I Met There," during the seventh-inning stretch of Wednesday night's American League Championship Series game between the Detroit Tigers and the Oakland A's.

Albom says the 30-page book recounts a recent trip to Heaven, during which he met with a number of deceased sports personalities who shared their insights on the afterlife.

"I was just sitting at the baseball game and I started thinking about baseball and heaven and wondering what lessons baseball people in heaven might have for us," said Albom, who wrote the book in 15 minutes while eating a hot dog.

"People eat this crap up," said Albom. "I mean … hot dogs. People eat a lot of hot dogs. At baseball games."

In "I Went to Heaven for Just One Day and Had Conversations With People I Met There," Albom recounts conversations with Ted Williams, Babe Ruth, Roberto Clemente and Peter Gammons.

When informed Gammons had actually survived a near-brush with death and was back working and doing well, Albom shrugged it off and said the details of whether or not someone is actually at a given location wasn't important to him.

Albom, a columnist for the Detroit News, said the most insightful comment came from former Tiger great Ty Cobb, who asked, "What the hell am I doing here?."

"When it comes right down to it, isn't that the question we're all asking?" said Albom. 

1. Tigermania is merely a fad that will have burned itself out by, oh, Tuesday. The knowledgeable baseball fan these days will be painting his entire body orange and blue and shouting "LET'S GO METS!" from the rooftops.

2. Judging by their inability to remember the snap count, tell a forward pass from a lateral and willingness to stand there flat footed and let opposition wide receivers race past them in the secondary, I can only conclude that the average IQ of an OU football player these days hovers in the mid-teens.

3. Has a "major" sports league ever opened its season to LESS fanfare or attention than the NHL did this year?

-- Spike

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