1. Saturday night's Miami-Florida International brawl at the Orange Bowl reminded me of an unfortunate incident from my own college days when Wild Bill and I, both undergraduates at an institute of higher learning on the southern Great Plains, found ourselves squared off against an entire fraternity.

Walking home from our weekly Bible Study class, we were accosted by two dozen inebriated Sigma Nus who insulted our mothers and took particular exception to my "Kill the Rich" T-shirt. Despite our best efforts to avoid hostilities, it soon became apparent to us that we were going to have to battle our way out of the situation -- expecially after I called them "a bunch of f---ing douchebags and Wild Bill kicked their leader in the nuts.

A battle royale ensued, and we found ourselves under a pile of drunken, enraged young Reaganites intent on tearing us from limb to limb. Fortunately, we were able to put Wild Bill's many years of Tae Kwan Do training to good use, and he quickly sidelined a good 13 or 14 Sigma Nus with his magnificent roundhouse kicks and trademark Seven Toes of Death maneuver. Lacking any formal martial arts training myself, I resorted to biting as many of them as I could, and I believe the match ultimately would have been settled in our favor had I not mistaken Wild Bill's ankle for that of a particular Sigma Nu who had gouged my left eye earlier in the brawl.

My miscalculation distracted Wild Bill from his ass-whipping duties just long enough to provide the frat boys with the opening they needed. Having already dispatched Wild Bill with one swing, a particularly cowardly member of their aggregation was set to apply a Darryl Strawberry-model, 36-ounce Louisville Slugger to the back of my cranium when the campus cops arrived on the scene and ended the hostilities with a round of tear gas, taking everyone into custody.

After a lengthy investigation and the usual round of pious public pronouncements by the university president, Wild Bill and I were both suspended indefinitely from the school's math club. Surveillance camera videotape of the incident also revealed that I had been guilty of taking out the knee of the fraternity's secretary-treasurer with a tire iron, resulting in an additional penalty in my case of dismissal from the university's Future Media Scumbags of America chapter -- a stain on my permanent record that continues to haunt me to this day. The fraternity members were given a slap on the wrist, went out and got drunk, then went home and anally raped their entire pledge class.

2. Denver Bronocs coach Mike Shanahan can take that miserable excuse for a game plan he trotted out there Sunday night against the pathetic Oakland Raiders and shove it up his ass.

3. Better yet, he can shove it up Jake "The Mistake" Plummer's ass right before he puts him on waivers and trades him to some AFL2 team.

Comments

[WildBill]

I don't remember any of that happening.

[Dr. Cornholing]

This got me to thinking.

I am treating a “bleachorexic” who has been brightening her smile for about a year with Crest Whitestrips. “I have ridiculously white teeth," she says "but I still don’t think they’re white enough.”

Maybe you guys could give her an ass-whipping.

[Mr. Boring]

You know what I hate?

I hate toilets that flush via an infrared beam. Well, maybe they're not all bad because at least when you go to use one it has been flushed. But you can't do a courtesy flush without standing up and moving to the side before you're really finished, so you have to do it with your pants down and all that.

[Wildbill]

I'm glad to read someone else has an issue with infrared toilets. There's one in my officer where the stall door hangs in such a fashion that it's always in the way of the beam.

All day long it's flush, flush, flush, flush ...

I'm getting angry just thinking about it.

[Mixer!]

http://img8.imagepile.net/img8b/851operabathroom1.jpg

stoopidy new format...

[Dr. Cornholing]

You know that secretary-treasurer whose kneecap you busted? He never recovered and now look what you have caused! Here's an update:

"Amtrak police are hunting for an 'exceptionally antisocial' man who has been defecating on trains across the country, causing tens of thousands of dollars-worth of damage.

The vandal, who strikes by smearing excrement inside the carriages, appears to wait until he is alone before committing the offence but investigators can discern no other pattern to his behaviour. Police say the man has soiled at least 30 trains since August, mainly in Oklahoma."