Designated Wiper Ass-igned to Controversial Tiger Pitcher

By Spike
Sporting Press

ST. LOUIS (SP) -- Hoping to defuse the controversy that accompanied his appearance in the  second game of the World Series, Detroit Tigers officials have announced that they have signed former slugger Bobby Bonilla to serve as the "designated wiper" for star pitcher Kenny Rogers for the rest of the series.

Rogers appeared to have a slick, brownish-yellow stain on his pitching hand during the first inning of Sunday's game, when he led Detroit to victory with a two-hit performance over eight innings. A SPORTING PRESS exclusive has revealed that the "foreign substance" on Rogers' hand was not dirt or
pine tar, but feces -- the result of a particularly sloppy bowel movement and clean-up by Rogers minutes before taking the mound against the Cardinals, according to a Detroit clubhouse attendant.

Since SPORTING PRESS broke the story earlier this week, a number of major-league players, media members and bloggers have come forward to accuse the 41-year-old Rogers of throwing a "shitter" -- an outlawed pitch that uses smeared feces to change the course of the ball, much like a "spitter" or a "shine ball." The controversy has cast a dark cloud over the entire series, much to the dismay of MLB officials.

"No doubt about it -- the guy is dirty," said the bullpen coach for one major-league team who claimed to have intimate knowledge of Rogers' toilet habits. "You'd have to be blind not to see the skid marks on the ball."

Tigers officials hope the signing of Bonilla to wipe Rogers' ass will eliminate any appearance of impropriety on the part of the star  pitcher, who has yet to allow an earned run in 23 innings of post-season work -- a stark contrast to his spotty playoff record over the rest of his career.

"We believe the addition of Bobby Bonilla to the Detroit staff will put to rest any lingering doubts about Kenny's performance," Detroit general manager Dave Dombrowski said in a statement issued by the club. "Bobby is uniquely suited for this type of task -- he has large hands and a minimum of self-respect, and the generous sum he'll earn for not much work --  distasteful as it might be -- over the next few days suits his
personality to a T."

Bonilla, a former All-Star with Pittsburgh, became a laughingstock across the baseball world when the New York Mets decided they would rather pay off the balance of his $6-million-a-year contract in the late 1990s than include him on their roster. More than one of his Mets teammates at the time claimed Bonilla was nothing more than an "overpaid asswipe," a description that seems to have struck a chord with the Tigers.

Meanwhile, in attempting to take the steam out of one controversy, Detroit officials may have unwittingly started another. Rogers reportedly was miffed by suggestions that he is incapable of wiping his own ass without smearing feces all over his hand, shoving a camera man after exiting a bathroom stall in the Tigers' clubhouse at Busch Stadium in St. Louis before game 3 of the series on Tuesday.

"Get that %$#@^ thing outta my face!" Rogers yelled, concealing his pitching hand behind his back.

And rumors were circulating that Tigers catcher Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez had issued the club an ultimatum on Tuesday, demanding that he be given his own designated wiper or that he be traded.

Comments

[Dr. Cornholing]

You guys are on fire! One exclusive after another!

[WildBill]

It's the new, easy-to-operate site. It's inspired us. Now, if we could just get the www.sportingpress.com URL pointed here.

That Spike can write his ass off. Kind of like Otzi. Well, the "ass off" part anyway.

[Otzi of the Eisack]

So, just when I thought you were going to stop mocking me, you start up again.

Bastards.

Maybe I should start throwing shitballs at you guys!

[LDB]

I knew this would happen. Spike gets out of rehab and has a few days of creativity and punches out two Pulitzer prize level sports stories.

Then he goes back to his old ways.