By Spike
Sporting Press
DETROIT (SP) -- The "foreign substance" detected on the pitching hand of Detroit Tigers ace Kenny Rogers was not a smudge of dirt, as Rogers claimed, nor was it pine tar, as others have charged, after Rogers' two-hit, eight-inning performance against the St. Louis Cardinals in Sunday night's game two of the World Series.
A Tigers clubhouse attendant told SPORTING PRESS that the substance -- which had a brownish-yellow, shiny appearance in video and photos -- was, in fact, feces.
"Kenny had an attack of the runs right before the first pitch," the clubhouse attendant said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. "He went in to take a dump during the national anthem, and when he got ready to wipe, he discovered there were only a few sheets left on the roll. I'm sure he did the best job he could, but in the end, he wound up getting it all over his hand. Poor bastard didn't even have time to wash up before he was due back on the mound."
The clubhouse attendant's version of events might help explain why Sunday night's umpire crew was reluctant to examine Rogers' hand after concerns were raised about the substance when the first inning was over.
"Think about it: Would you want to go sniffing a guy's hand after he wiped shit all over himself?" asked the attendant.
It remained to be seen what effect, if any, this latest revelation would have on the rest of the World Series. Major League Baseball umpire supervisor Steve Palermo did not respond to repeated inquiries from SPORTING PRESS about whether feces would qualify as a foreign substance, like pine tar or Vaseline, that could get a pitcher ejected for trying to gain an unfair competitive advantage.
Yes! Some pitcher has finally started throwing the shitter again. Back in the day they did this all the time.
Don't be surprised if the baseball people make the use of Neinsharten® mandatory.
(Note to the stoopid - Neinsharten® is a drug invented by the Nazis in WW2 to control the involuntary excretion of feces. I, Dr. Cornholing, have a large supply of it ready to help baseball out).
Posted by: Dr. Cornholing | October 24, 2006 at 10:26 AM
Who doesn't like a good poop joke?
Posted by: wildbill | October 24, 2006 at 03:34 PM
Exactly, and only Sporting Press would have the courage to print the truth. This wasn't in the N. Y. Times....
Posted by: Dr. Cornholing | October 25, 2006 at 08:44 AM