New Jersey Con Man?

Cover art for upcoming SportsPage Dallas publication.

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[AP - Sporting Press Wrestlers Out of Action: Herpes!]

An outbreak of a contagious rash called herpes gladiatorum amongst Sporting Press' wrestling team led the authorities to suspend matches and halt contact practices, the Health Dept. said Wednesday.

The eight-day suspension affecting all SP wrestlers was the first time a sports web site's entire wrestling program has been shut down, authorities said.

Billy Lee Davis said the suspension should allow infected wrestlers to recover as herpes usually disappears within 10 to 14 days. Any wrestler with the rash is barred from competing or beating his meat, the latter of which will cause serious problems on the SP wrestling team.

Herpes gladiatorum -- commonly known as mat herpes because wrestlers are particularly susceptible -- is caused by contact with the same common herpes simplex virus that produces cold sores and also makes your penis fall off if you self-pollute.

[AP - Drunk SP cartoonist points out dangers of hand cleaner!]

Sports officials and poison control centers can add a new substance to their list of intoxicants -- hand sanitizer.

A usually calm 49-year-old cartoonist prompted a call to the Oklahoma Poison Control Center after authorities found him red-eyed, combative and "lecturing everyone about life." Other cartoonists and staff reported the unidentified cartoonist had been drinking from a gallon container of hand sanitizer, which is more than 70 percent alcohol, or over 140 proof, the center's director wrote in an article appearing in the February issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.

"We wondered what was wrong with that boy," a SP spokesperson noted. "He ain't been tracin' too good lately."

[AP - Scandal rocks Sports Pickle]

Sports Pickle CEO Bubby Ogelthorpe apologized Thursday for having a sexual relationship with a former employee's dog.

"I'm sorry as hell," Ogelthorpe said during a brief news conference. “Christ, do you know how Goddamn embarrassing this is?” The embattled CEO appeared poised but visibly emotional. He spoke for about a minute and left without taking questions.

Elrod Plogger, 39, resigned Wednesday after confronting his boss Ogelthorpe about his relationship with his dachsund, Ruby.
Ogelthorpe acknowledged that he had the affair first reported Wednesday night on the AP Web site and apologized for what he called "a situation" and explained that Ruby was in heat and “no one was around, and…well of course I porked her!”

"I want to make it clear that everything you've read is true and I really, really wish this hadn’t gotten in the news. I mean I’m sorry and all but Goddamitee!" he said.

[AP - Sporting Press CEO blasts Sports Pickle]

Felix Throckmorton, Sporting Press CEO, expressed indignation today at the sex scandal rocking competitor Sports Pickle. “Sure we’ve had our problems at Sporting Press,” he ranted. “Sure the Health Department has shut down our bathrooms and cafeteria on multiple occasions. Sure we’ve had sectarian violence and a Zombie shot in our men’s room. Sure we’re too lazy to have a real message board. But Goddamnit no executive here has been caught putting the wood to a dog!”

[George W. Bush - Sports Pickle situation not hopeless]

That guy over at the Sports Pickle - there's hope for him.

Why just two days ago one of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Get it? If Ted Haggard can be taken off the Hershey Bar Highway, surely that Sports Pickle feller can be helped to be a little less fond of dogs.

Just trying to be helpful as always,

George

[NJ Guy]

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