Jackson: Keeping His Cool

All is right with the world: The Golden State/Dallas series has a wacky villain: Stephen Jackson. Dallas Morning News blogs on Jackson's attributes, which include "delusional."

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[AP: Sporting Press Lesbians in State of Shock]

Medical studies have concluded that lesbians are twice as likely to be obesa as heteros. The considerable number of obese SP lesbians are said to be in a state of "shock and turmoil".

Martha Goodman, the 706 lb. SP receptionist, told AP to "Fuck off!" when asked for a comment.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,21635542-5012769,00.html

[Otzi of the Eisack People]

They've got nothing on MY big, beautiful ass!

[Otzi of the Eisack]

FAKE! FAKE!

Since I am the last of the orginal poosters still around, it seems like people would refrain from impostering me.

Bastards.

[AP: Sporting Press Permanently Closes Bathrooms]

Next time you go to Sporting Press, be prepared to use one of the rental Port-O-Lets if nature calls. All of the bathrooms have been shut down, sealed off, and replaced with a half dozen shiny new Port-O-Lets in the rear parking lot.

"Hell," said SP spokesperson Rita Doodley, "after all the rapes, assaults, thefts, and monkey business in them bathrooms, we had no choice."

[AP: Correction to "Sporting Press Permanently Closes Bathrooms"]

The AP wishes to clarify an omission in the "Sporting Press Permanently Closes Bathrooms" article published yesterday.

As it turns out, the executive SP bathrooms have not been closed. SP spokesperson, Jesus Alvarez, said that "of course we wouldn't close the bathrooms for the executives. The closure is just for the little people."

[AP: Sporting Press Employees Challenge Bathroom Closures]

Bucky Plogger, a sportswriter for SP, has organized a protest against the closure of SP's bathrooms.

"Let's see how they react with a couple dozen of us walkin' around with a full load in our drawers," Plogger said. "Them fancy pants overpaid executives might just change their minds."

[AP: Sporting Press Names New Chief Executive Editor]

Dexter Manley, former Oklahoma State and Washington Redskins football star, has been hired as the new Chief Executive Editor for Sporting Press. Manley, OSU’s most famous illiterate graduate, had this to say from his current rehab center:

“I know what they’re thinking. They’re thinking that since I'm illiterate I won’t know a conjunction from cognitive dissonance. Well, they’re wrong. And as soon as I get out of rehab and get to Sporting Press, we are going to have a real satirical sports web site again. I’m gonna ring people’s clocks!”

Mr. Manley is expected to report to Sporting Press in about 45 days depending on his behavior and progress.

[AP: Hire the Son of Sporting Press Tracer!]

He does good drawrings.

And he would probably be more reliable than his old man.

Hire him. Now.