Like Father ...

SOMEWHERE ADMIRING A CHIP OFF THE OLD BLOCK (SP) -- Son of the Sporting Press Tracer is trying his hand at cartoon character development. He offers this drawing of a "sportscaster" ...

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[AP: Sporting Press Executive Spontaneously Combusts!]

Elrod Lacey, VP of Transexual Marketing at Sporting Press, burst into flames late last night while lighting a cigarette.

A witness, Petey Winderweedle, said that Lacey, "wuz lightin' a Lucky when he just blew up in a ball a fire. Looked like a goddamn napalm bomb goin' off. I mean it was somethin'!"

Police are uncertain of the correlation between lighting the Lucky and the explosion. Sheriff Johnny Plogger said "the forensic folks don't see no real link between the two. Shore looks like the poor sumbitch just burst into flame like people do oncet in a while. We consider our investigation to be over."

[AP: 2nd Sporting Press Executive Spontaneously Combusts!]

Elvis Dubois, SP Senior VP of Diverse Sexual Activity, burst into flames Sunday night shortly after leaving an all night pizzeria. Dubois is the second Sporting Press executive in less than a week to spontaneously combust. Witnesses said Dubois was lighting a cigarette when he exploded in a mass of flames. Witnesses at first reported that a local wino was also injured but the wino turned out to be a passed-out black man and not a fire-blackened dead man.

Aloysius Delacruz, also a patron of the pizzeria, said that Dubois was lighting a Marlboro Red when he suddenly exploded, “like some terrorist or something”.

Sheriff Johnny Plogger said that, “I reckon the media will be all over the place claiming there’s something weird going on. Shit, I told you people last week that it was just a coincidence and that spontaneous combustion ain’t all that unusual. I also told you there was no connection between the cigarette and the explosion. The way you know that is last week it was a Lucky and this week it's a Marlboro Red.”

Plogger went on to say that “the investigation is closed" but will be re-opened if “some asshole sticks his face in our business.”

[Buffalo-sized Rodent]

Gee, I wonder how I'll ever get in contact with Wild Bill since there's not one them "e-mail us" links on the page anywhere. Clearly, he doesn't want me to pay off our bet that Bob Stoops would be coaching Florida by 2007.

And all of you morans APOLOGIZE TO OTZI!

[Otzi of the Eisack People]

Did you see me in the latest issue of National Geographic? Did you?

See where I took a bunch of guys out with me? Huh?

Bastards.

[AP: Otzi of the Eisack Hired to Service Paris Hilton]

After scouring the planet for a suitable partner to bring Paris Hilton up to date sexually, a research team has selected the world's most potent mummified man to "service" Ms. Hilton tonight.

Otzi of the Eisack People will be paid $1,000,000.00 to bring Ms. Hilton "back into the world."

[AP: Otzi of the Eisack says Paris Hilton "back on track"]

After a raucous night of mummified sexual activity, Otzi of the Eisack People announced this morning that Paris Hilton has "returned to the real world."

However, Otzi expressed dismay that Ms. Hilton was not mummified, claiming that "this is what the committee told me, that she was a 700 year old mummified woman. Bastards."

[AP: FLASH! Sporting Press Drastically Upgrades Security]

Sporting Press has hired dozens of armed guards, as many as two per executive.

Accoring to Sheriff Bucky Plogger, "they (SP) claimin' now that gangs of little kids are attackin' them. Last week it was spontaneous combustion, before that it was that 700lb. bull lesbian killing their CEO. I mean it's one dang thing after another."

The "little kids" range in ages from 4 to 9 and travel in packs of about 20. They hurl rocks at SP executives while screaming obscenities and chanting "where's our message board, where's our message board?"

So far only minor injuries have occurred, a few concussions and such. "But some of them kids can really zing a rock," Sheriff Plogger noted "and someone's goin' to get kilt sooner or later."

[AP: FLASH! Ominous Developments at Sporting Press HQ]

What had been a few roving bands of irate grade school children has mushroomed into a crowd estimated to number at least 6,000 souls. In fact, the mob has completely surrounded Sporting Press Headquarters.

Sheriff Bucky Plogger told the AP that “I ain’t never seen this many dang kids in one place in my dang life. They comin’ in from ever damn whar. They’s kids from Seattle, Warshington; Mayport, Florida; Frederick, Maryland; - you name it. And they organized too! We think they’s a third grader named Bruce Smedley who’s the ringleader, but we ain’t shore.”

The crowd is frequently heard chanting, “SP Sucks!” and “Where’s our message board?!” Plogger also noted that the children, some of them anyway, are packing heat. “You ‘member them security guards that Sporting Press hired a few days ago?” Plogger asked. “Sheeit. SP is so dang cheap they didn’t want to pay money to hire real security guards, so they hired a bunch a illegals and put ‘em in surplus jungle fatigues. First time the kids threatened ‘em they not only run away, they left their snub-nose 38s behind. So now we know fer sure that some a them kids is armed.”

No special security precautions are in effect. As Plogger explained, “how you gonna stop 6,000 grammar school kids? Beside, it’s just them guys at Sporting Press. They don’t have a dang message board, so who cares about them?”

[AP: 700 lb. SP Secretary saves Sporting Press]

Sheriff Bucky Plogger told the AP that “I ain’t never seen nothin' like it! Them kids was just gettin’ ready to storm SP and raze it to the ground. All of a sudden the front door opened and out stepped Shirley Hartsbarger, some call her Big Shirley. Hell they ought to call her ‘big’, she weighs over 700 lbs!

Anyway, all of a sudden the front door of the building opened and thar’s Big Shirley. As soon as she walked out the door, she turned her back to the crowd, bent over and dropped trou. Now if you didn’t see it fer yerself, you’ll think I’m a-lyin' - but she started shootin’ farballs out of her ass straight at the crowd. By about the tenth salvo there wasn’t a youngun in sight and they ain’t been back sincet. Them Sportin' Press guys is lucky to be alive and they owe it all to Big Shirley.”

[AP: Correction to:]

The AP wishes to correct one minor error in the original article.

Technically Ms. Hartsbarger was NOT "shootin’ farballs out of her ass". Rather, she pulsing out blasts of inflammable air that were ignited by an SP cartoonist holding a Ronson.

The AP regrets the error.

[AP: Second Correction to:]

The AP wishes to correct this sentence in the previous news item

"Technically Ms. Hartsbarger was NOT "shootin’ farballs out of her ass". Rather, she pulsing out blasts of inflammable air that were ignited by an SP cartoonist holding a Ronson".

Sentence should read:

Technically Ms. Hartsbarger was NOT "shootin’ farballs out of her ass". Rather, she was pulsing out blasts of flammable air that were ignited by an SP cartoonist holding a Ronson.

The AP regrets the error.

[Delbert - Night Manager, Al Kayda's Gravy Kart]

Looks like Al has taken some style cues from Spike's old place.

Man, I sure do miss working there.

[AP: God to Smite Sporting Press?]

An international gathering of theologians has released a disturbing prediction.

"We," the International Theologians Report reads, "fear that God is about to smite Sporting Press for not having a real message board. The recent appearance of a Lake of Fire next to Sporting Press HQ is a sure sign of an impending smiting."

A Sporting Press spokesperson, Shirley Hartsbarger a 700 lb. bull dyke lesbian, said that, "the lake don't mean shit! Boiling masses of lava are completely normal. Now butt your asses outta here!"

[AP: Sporting Press Hires New CEO]

Shirley Hartsbarger, formerly the 700lb. bull dyke lesbian receptionist for Sporting Press, has just been promoted to CEO. A Spokesman for Sporting Press, Leon Lipsinger, VP of Deviant Marketing, said that Ms. Hartsbarger’s promotion may be a first in corporate America. “Not everyone has a 700lb. bull dyke lesbian as their CEO, and we are proud as hell of her. We have diversity at Sporting Press!”

Ms. Hartsbarger, whose demeanor is known to range from total malevolence to outright murder (she is alleged to have killed and eaten a previous acting CEO), had no comment about her promotion.

Sheriff Bucky Plogger, who knows Ms. Hartsbarger well, says that despite checking her stool every day for two months, “we couldn’t find a trace of human remains in her dookie. So she’s innocent as far as we’re concerned.”

[AP: Sporting Press CEO Thwarts God’s Smiting Attempt]

On Tuesday night, July 31, 2007, God did send “12 hoary beasts” to “rend Sporting Press asunder.”

Unfortunately for God, he did not take into account SP’s 700 lb. bull dyke lesbian CEO, Shirley Hartsbarger. Not one hoary beast did so much as chip a brick on the SP building. Ms. Hartsbarger crushed their thick skulls and hurled them into the adjacent boiling lava lake, which miraculously cooled and hardened, encasing the dead beasts for eternity.

A local theologian, while marveling at Ms. Hartsbarger’s feat, noted that virtually all of God’s smiting attempts in the last 2,000 years have been failures. “Look at the fellers that He wasn’t able to smite: Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, and, yesterday, Sporting Press. It’s about time He comes up with something a little more potent than 12 hoary beasts…like laser-guided tactical nukes for example. Twelve hoary beasts? I mean, jeez.”

Sporting Press had no official comment.