Cover Model

SOMEWHERE ENGAGING IN A COVER UP (SP) -- The SP Tracer (as we like to call him) has been busy of late. He penned the cover art for this week's SportsPage Dallas Cowboys/NFL Preview. See it on the SPORTING PRESS Big Site first!

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[AP: Miracle at Sporting Press Officially Sanctified]

An emissary from the Vatican has officially declared the punching bag-sized hemorrhoid on display in the Sporting Press HQ lobby as a “miracle”. Father Francisco Gonzalez said that “there is no question but that God himself has turned the hemorrhoid into a divine healing miracle. If you look closely you can even see The Virgin’s face on the hemorrhoid.”

The sequence of events for the miracle declaration began when Sporting Press CEO Shirley Hartsbarger underwent an emergency hemorrhoidectomy. Upon her return to work, she placed the huge hemorrhoid in a clear, sealed crystal container firmly bolted to the floor of the lobby.

At first the display attracted only a few idlers. However, a few days after its placement, a man named Jose Calderon was moved to drop his pants and place his hemorrhoid-ridden anus directly onto the crystal display. This is when the first miracle occurred. After a flash of bluish light Mr. Calderon realized that his hemorrhoids were completely gone!

Soon, thousands of hemorrhoid sufferers began lining up to place their afflicted anal orifices on the miraculous crystal ball. This continues to this day, although, of course, SP has begun charging a small fee, mostly to keep the crystal at least semi-clean.

Ms. Hartsbarger has had little to say about the Miracle other than to note it may be God’s way of making up for a recent smiting attempt

[Miracle schmiracle]

The real miracle would be if these mutts ever had a message board again.

But wait, didn't one of them get his nuts cut off by an Oklahoma fan recently? Thus the delay?

[AP: SP hires Men's Room attendant]

"Well," said Aloysius Finsterwald, SP Vice President of Custodial Affairs, "we have risen to the point now where we need a full-time Men's Room attendant, especially now that we house a holy shrine."

"So we are really pleased to announce the hiring of Larry Craig to run our main Men's Room. Mr. Craig was available so things have really worked out well for him and for us. He will be starting October 1st, just as soon as he leaves the U. S. Senate."

[AP: Sheriff Plogger on SP hires Men's Room attendant]

Sheriff Bucky Plogger, confidant of SP's 700 lb. bull dyke lesbian CEO Shirley Hartsbarger, notes that "a lot a them SP guys take a 'wide stance' in the Men's Room, so Craig oughta fit in jes fine."

[AP: 100,000th hemorroid sufferer gets cure at SP sanctified shrine]

Wednesday, 9/26, turns out to be a red letter day for Sporting Press.

The 100,000th hemorrhoid sufferer took the cure via SP's holy crystal ball. Bok Thieu, a Thai, said, "ass fire no more, me new man now."

SP has raised its admission price from $2.00 to $20.00. After all, said Monty Finsterwald, VP of the Holy Shrine, "it costs a lot to keep that dang crystal clean."

[AP: SP Adds Human Relic Exhibit to Sanctified Shrine]

Sporting Press has installed an outstanding exhibit of human relics near the miraculous and sanctified Holy Crystal Orb containing Shirley Hartsbarger’s punching-bag sized hemorrhoid.

The exhibit contains surviving body parts of poosters who lost their lives because Sporting Press was/is too cheap and lazy to maintain a real message board. Among other things on display are LDB’s middle finger, Dr. Cornholing’s anus, Tyrone’s two-headed pecker, and Mr. Boring’s lips.

According to Ellsworth Pittington, SP’s VP of Holy Relics, the exhibit was put up at the request of the Pope who thought the Holy Shrine needed some “spiffing up” and “a more Catholic look.”