Toon In!

SOMEWHERE DOODLING (SP) -- All kinds of things in the works here at Sporting Press. First up, Sporting Press is supplying art for a new series of semi-animated comedy webisodes up in Oklahoma on the Sports Animal's Web page. Some of the art is currently featured on the SP front page. Check it out at the sports/talk radio station's Web site.

Also ... is there a return to the airwaves in store for Wild Bill Aronson? Stay tuned for that news. It could happen.

Sporting Press is also supplying art for the OU-Texas supplement in SportsPage Dallas, a weekly sports tab available throughout the Metroplex.

Finally, SP continues to look at new options for Spike's Gravy Barn bulletin board to make a return.

Comments

[AP: God Continues to Torment Sooners]

"My favorite thing since the NC debacle with Southern Cal, is to let Sooner fans get their hopes up. Then I Colorado them!" said God. "For good measure I let Texas take a whippin' too."

In a more sober vein, God noted that tormenting the Sooners "is a hell of lot easier than smiting Sporting Press."

[AP: Pope Benedict XVI to visit SP?]

The halls of The Vatican are abuzz with rumors that Pope Benedict XVI may visit Sporting Press to witness for himself the now santified holy shrine.

It is also rumored that the Pope is afflicted and may take the cure.

[AP: Dr. Cornholing's Anus Stolen from Relic Exhibit]

"It has plumb disappeared," said Sheriff Bucky Plogger. "Whoever took it is a mean sumbitch 'cause that's all we had left of one of history's greatest medical men."

Plogger and the State Police are asking for the public's help in finding the anus and restoring to SP's now famous relic exhibit.

[AP: Dr. Cornholing’s Anus Recovered by Police]

Sheriff Bucky Plogger announced early this morning that Dr. Cornholing’s anus has been found and is back in the Sporting Press relics display case.

“To tell you the truth, it was never gone,” Sheriff Plogger noted. “Someone thought it would be funny to put it on LDB’s middle finger (also in the display case). No one noticed it 'til this mornin'. Well it ain’t funny and if we catch who done it, we’ll give him an ass-whippin'. Hell, we’ll ‘Vick’ him!”

[AP: AMA raids SP, seizes Holy Crystal Orb]

The American Medical Association raided the Holy Shrine at Sporting Press in a dawn raid this morning. The Holy Crystal Orb, containing the miraculous punching-bag sized hemorrhoid, was taken away in an armored vehicle.

"We can't have a bunch of ninnies puttiing America's proctologists out of business," said the AMA's Dr. Singh. "So far this outrage has cost the medical profession no less than $250,000,000.00. How are doctors supposed to have Mercedes Benzs and expensive beach homes? This was absolutely intolerable and the orb will be destroyed."

Sporting Press had no comment as no one was awake at the time, not even at 10:00AM when the AP called.

[AP: Fire at SP Destroys Relic Display]

Sheriff Bucky Plogger, on the scene as always, said that the relic display containing LDB's middle finger, Tyrone's two headed weenie, et. al. was vaporized during an intense but short-lived fire this morning.

"One a them dang SP VPs spontanously combusted again. Dumb shit has passed out right beside the relic display. When he went off, the far just vaporized the dang display," said Plogger.

The combusted employee was identified as Withers C. Utley, VP of Carnal Marketing.

[AP: FLASH! SP CEO Spontaneously Combusts!]

Shirley Hartsbarger, SP’s 700 lb bull dyke lesbian CEO, is dead. Ms. Hartsbarger spontaneously combusted around 2:00AM this morning.

According to Sheriff Bucky Plogger, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that “Ms. Hartsbarger probly combusted around 2:00. Now don’t ya’ll repeat any of this, now promise, ‘cause my old lady wouldn’t be too happy to find out I was a goin’ over thar fer some 3:00AM poontang. Anyway, that’s why I was thar and Shirley was long gone by then. I mean she was just a pile a smolderin’ ashes. So much for the poontang.”

Sporting Press is said to be in complete turmoil. If they had a message board, applicants for the vacant CEO position could send in their resumes.

[NOTNabl]

This thread is full of win.

BTW, Google "2 girls, 1 cup". YWIA.

[AP: Exactly, full of]

It is always a "win" with the AP, the only source of news on this web site.

Sniff.

[AP: Shirley Hartsbarger's Last and Only Memo]

Sometime on the day before her death, SP CEO Shirley Hartsbarger issued a stern directive to the SP workforce. "There will be no more puking and/or defecating in the lobby," the memo said.

It is not known why Ms. Hartsbarger wrote the memo unless it was stop the incessant puking/defecating of drunken SP employees. The oddity is that SP employees puke/defecate all over the building and not just in the lobby. Perhaps Ms. Harsbarger intended to re-write a more expansive memo in the near future or hadn't finished the original.

Alas, we will never know. Of interest also are rumors that Ms. Hartsbarger is the mother of Hans Nabl.

[AP: Sporting Press Closed, Building Demolished]

The Health Department and the Fire Department simultaneously closed down Sporting Press this morning citing “mounds of human excreta” and “the extraordinary numbers of employees spontaneously combusting.”

“It were disgusting in there,” said Tawanda Jones, Chief Health Inspector. “I puked twicet while I was looking around. And I don’t think any a them Sportin’ Press boys had bathed or changed clothes in six months.”

The Sporting Press employees were taken away to a Rehab Clinic in Niobrara, Nebraska.

Ricky Troutman’s Demolition Company demolished the Sporting Press HQ building. Tyrone Jones, a worker, simply kicked one corner and the entire edifice collapsed. Troutman was annoyed that there “wasn’t nothing to salvage. The people there had stripped out all the copper to buy liquor I reckon. If the 2,000 or so empty bottles of Carstairs and Mattingly & Moore had any value we’d a made out, but they’re worthless.”

[coolm]

Man, this place has gone to hell and a handbasket. Can't even find a recipe for chocolate chip mint gravy anymore.

[Sheriff Bucky Plogger]

It WAS bad, but it's GOOD now. Hell I was going to Sportin' Press two and three times a day to arrest somebody or break up this fight or arrestin' that drunk. Now I got me all kinds of free time.

Got me a deer already. Big ol' 8 point buck.

[AP: Interview with Sheriff Bucky Plogger]

Sheriff Bucky Plogger is one of the few people left on Earth who can give accurate information on the recent demise of Sporting Press. After all, Plogger was sober during the entire time that SP was in existence. Plogger witnessed a futile smiting attempt by God and had to deal directly with the endless drunken and debauched behavior of Sporting Press executives, making some 358 arrests.

AP: So Sheriff, we heard you nailed an 8 pt. buck a couple of days ago.

Sheriff Bucky Plogger: Oh yeah, he was a goodern. Now that I don’t have to go tearin’ off to Sportin’ Press ever day to arrest somebody or break up a riot er somethin’, life is purty dang good. But I’m pissed at you motherfuckers….

AP: What do you mean?

Sheriff Bucky Plogger: I tole you assholes not to mention nothin’ about me fixin’ to pork Shirley Hartsbarger the night she spontaneously combusted. And what do you do? You quote me word for dang word. Fortunately my ol’ lady don’t read much so I think I got through it all right, but it’s the dang principle of the thang.

AP: OK, sorry. Anyway, do you anticipate a resurgence of Sporting Press?

Sheriff Bucky Plogger: Goddang I hope not. Hell I ain’t worried, they won’t be shit until they have a message board. Plus the local Health Department laid down somethin’ like 120 tons of salt on the land where they wuz. Making sure nothin’ grows there again. Like them Roman guys did to Cleveland or wherever that place wuz that the cannibal lived.

AP: Thanks Sheriff, that’s probably about it for Sporting Press then...

Sheriff Bucky Plogger: You got that right. Them boys is toast.

[Hans Nabl]

Nice to see all alive and well on SP.

In case you're wondering - and while we're on the topic of the SP demise - I've recently entered the restaurant business with a new toilet themed 'facility' in an over-populated and polluted Asian city. Check it out....
http://www.news.com.au/travel/story/0,23483,22756557-27977,00.html

[AP: Texas Tech Reaffirms God’s Curse on Sooners]

“Oklahoma can never be forgiven for how they played against Southern Cal in the national championship game,” God reminded humanity. “So I will not permit the Sooners to win another national championship, ever.”

[AP: Merciful God Relaxes Curse on Sooners.]

“Well,” God explained, “when you get whipped 55-19 in the national championship game, and look like a bunch of pussy-whipped slack-jawed morons in the process, you deserve to be eternally cursed. You can’t make amends for a loss like that...you just have to take your well-deserved cosmic medicine.

Still, after reflecting on the curse over the weekend, I have decided to reduce it from 'eternal’ to only 50 more years. Thus, the Sooners will have a shot to win a football national championship in the 2057-58 season. I think this is more than fair."

[AP: God Ends Curse on Sooners.]

"What gets me," said God, "is that if I hadn't done my Texas Tech number the goddamn* Sooners mighta won it all THIS year."

"I've been a little mean to the Sooners, so the curse is over."

*it always shocks heathens to learn that God talks this way. True Christians have known it all along.

[SP Lost & Found Dept., Bulletin # 1]

Our cartoonist has lost his Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug.

If anyone finds the Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug, please bring it to Lost & Found.

End of Bulletin

[SP Lost & Found Dept., Bulletin # 2]

Special thanks to Ronald Ikenberry for finding and bringing in a Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug.

Unfortunately, upon closer inspection the returned item turned out to be a Size 3 Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug. Our cartoonist lost a Size 5 Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug. As is well known, once the nether eye has grown accustomed to a Size 5, a Size 3 will no longer suffice.

So we now have a Size 3 Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug that we would like to return to its rightful owner. And we are still looking for our cartoonist’s Size 5 Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug.

Thank you.

[SP Lost & Found Dept., Bulletin # 3]

A mountain of gratitude to Ronnie Jenkins, an eighth grader at Jesus Christ Middle School in Tulsa. Ronnie has found and returned our cartoonist's Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug.

Indeed this is the season of joy and glad tidings! Our cartoonist is ecstatic and wishes to inform our many readers that his butt plug is NOT used for homo-erotic purposes. It is purely ornamental and is worn to scare off those who might be interested in his nether eye.

We remind you that we still have an unclaimded Size 3 Big Fish Stainless Steel Butt Plug, and hope the owner will claim it.

[AP: SP execs released from rehab, SP HQ relocates]

Early Sunday morning the 14 Sporting Press executives in a Niobrara rehab clinic were released from custody.

They traveled by bus to SP's new headquarters building located just across the state line in northwest Benton County, Arkansas.

All agreed that the new location is for the best, and likely to result in far fewer arrests and dust-ups with God, etc.

It is believed that the first month or so will be spent fighting over who gets what office, etc. Of interest is that Dexter Manly, Okie State's most famous illiterate graduate, has taken a position as a doorman.

[AP: Sporting Press Dedicates, Names New Office Building]

SP officials surprised everyone with their efficiency and speed in naming their new office building. Officials today unveiled a Bronze plaque naming the building the "Dr. Cornholing Memorial Office Building".

[AP: SP Softball Team Implicated in Steroid Scandal]

“Well what happened was,” pontificated George Mitchell, “they went 0-23 for the
2005 season. They was humiliated, so they started dipping into the steroids. By
the time the 2006 season rolled around, they wasn’t a one of them boys that weighed
less than 250 lbs. of solit muscle.”

“Course it didn’t no difference and they went 0-23 again. If you can’t pitch, field,
or hit, and you're blind-ass drunk, it don’t matter how big you is. But we
listed ‘em anyway on page 534 of the report.”

[AP: Two Sporting Press Execs Arrested for Stealing Chickens]

Two Sporting Press Execs were arrested earlier today for stealing chickens from Buster Rhimes’ chicken farm. The two men, Sylvester Gupta and Mannie Johnson, are suspected of stealing dozens of chickens from local farmers.

“When we arrested them,” said Benton County sheriff Red Hostetter, “they thought they was gonna outwit us. When we hollered, ‘who’s in thar?,’ one of them said, ‘nobody but us chickens boss!. Like we was mowrons er somethin’.”

Both men were charged with “interfering with the domestic tranquility of a privately owned bird” which carries a fine of $25.00 per bird. Since there were only two chickens in the coop at the time, the fine will be $50.00 assuming the two men are found guilty. Sheriff Hostetter said the police “whipped their asses good”, so punishment has already been meted out.

Sheriff Hostetter noted that Sporting Press personnel better stop stealing chickens and come back to life as web site (with a message board), or “we’ll run their asses out of Arkansas.”