Mad About the Ants

SOMEWHERE GETTING ANTSY (SP) -- I've been enjoying watching the D-League on NBA-TV of late and happened upon a game the other night featuring the Ft. Wayne, Ind., franchise, the MadAnts. This may be the best name, best uniforms and best logo in all of sports. Check it out:

Anyone know where I can get a MadAnt ballcap?

Comments

[Mad Anthony Wayne]

A cool name fer shure and thought up by someone with half a brain.

"Mad Anthony Wayne"

Descriptions of Wayne vary from impetuous to vain. He inspired loyalty among his men. He was a shrewd politician but a weak businessman. He was a meticulous dresser and was nicknamed "Dandy" before he became "Mad Anthony." Several versions with common threads exist on how Wayne earned his "Mad Anthony" moniker.

Glenn Tucker's book says Wayne was named by a character called "Jemy the Rover," a "nondescript character" who served as Wayne's principal spy during the Valley Forge campaign. Wayne called him "Commodore." At one point during the winter of 1781 Jemy became unruly, and Wayne, "not in good spirits," ordered him to receive 29 lashes across the back for his behavior.

"Anthony is mad, stark mad," Jemy exclaimed. "Mad Anthony Wayne" he yelled again and again.

[WildBill]

Now if I could just find a MadAnt ballcap to wear about town.

[Disgruntled SP pooster]

Well if SP hadn't killed off LDB, he coulda found one for you and got you a good deal too.

But no, you killed him. Now you reap the whirlwind.

[WildBill]

LDB got what was coming to him. Ask Otzi.

[Disgruntled SP pooster]

Sure LDB got what was coming to him, but he still coulda got you a deal on a Mad Ant cap.

At least you didn't kill Otzi, but no one knows where he is.

And you killed Dr. Cornholing too.

Bastards.

[AP: Flash! Sporting Press Endorses Senator Joe Biden!]

1/31/2008 - Sporting Press has officially endorsed Delaware Senator Joe Biden for President of the United States.

"This took months of long, tedious, and ofen acrimonius debate," said Milford Doakes, SP VP of Political Endorsements. "However, we feel that Biden is the only Democrat who can halt the Fred Thompson juggernaut. We feel that our endorsement can re-energize the Biden campaign."

[AP: Poll shows Sporting Press Popularity Sinking; Huckabee Blasts SP]

2/8/2008 AP

It's almost as if people can barely stand the thought of Sporting Press. SP reached its lowest approval rating in The Associated Press poll on Friday as only 2 percent said they like the job SP is doing, including an all-time low in its support by illiterate subscribers.

Meanwhile, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is furious at SP’s endorsement of Delaware Senator Joe Biden. "Those blaspheming heathens!" Huckabee screamed at the media in reference to Sporting Press. "Have they forgotten that Arkansas gave them refuge and succor? Those rotten chicken thieves! At the very least they could endorse me!".

SP VP Miles Fruitweather acknowledged that Huckabee’s closeness to God was a factor in not endorsing the former Arkansas governor. "People may remember that SP’s relationship with God is not exactly cozy. After all, God did make a major effort to smite us a few months back and then sent us wandering in the wilderness, which is how we wound up in Benton County (Arkansas). Plus there was the matter of God’s Laz-Y Boy cloud which apparently pissed Him off big time."

[AP: Sporting Press Names CEO!]

2/12/2008 - After months of negotiation, Sporting Press has picked a new CEO to replace the late Shirley Hartsbarger. His name is Hoagland Withers Twombley and he starts today.

Mr. Twombley hails from Leavenworth Kansas and has 50 years experience as the Editor-in-Chief of the "New Era" newspaper, a publication by and about local residents.

"One of the things we like best about him (Twombley)", said Miles Fishwick, SP’s VP of Recruiting, "is that he wanted a very small office (6’ X 10’) with no window. We're hoping Twombley can do something about our sagging popularity."

[AP: New Sporting Press CEO Bans Food Fights]

2/15/2008 - New Sporting Press CEO Hoagland Twombley has banned food fighting. "They can still food fight in the cafeteria but, goddamitee, the food fights need to be contained in that location. This business of throwing handfulls of spaghetti and meatballs at people just walking down the hall has got to stop! I myself have been hit twice now by wads of corned beef hash. Enough!"

The new rule is to take place immediately. Hoadland is also said to be considering new rules about bathroom behavior. "Obviously I have my work cut out for me here at SP," Twombley told reporters. "I mean, jeez."

[AP: New Sporting Press CEO Meets Untimely Demise]

2/19/2008:
Sporting Press CEO Hoagland Withers Twombley has met an untimely death in a cafeteria food fight according to the Arkansas State Police.

"It were a combination of unfortunate events," said state police captain Meona Chittum. "The Sporting Press folks have food fights every day at lunch. What they do is divide into two groups – the Confederates and the Yankees. Mr. Twombley was walking behind the Confederate lines when a Yankee hurled a can of Spam, a rules violation, which knocked him out cold. Unfortunately, it was also 'Chitluns Day' and on his way to the floor Mr. Twombley got cold-cocked by a wad of chitluns that plugged his breathing passages. Sometime during the rest of the food fight, which the Confederates won, Mr. Twombly smothered."

Funeral arrangements are complete and Mr. Twombley’s remains were FedExed to the corpse farm in Tennessee. No charges will be filed since "Death by Chitluns" is specifically exempted from punishment under Arkansas state law.

[AP: Sporting Press names Ellsworth]

2/25/2008

Sporting Press announced today that Ellsworth "K G" Farnsworth has been hired to replace the late Hoagland Withers Twombley. Farnsworth is expected to re-invigorate Sporting Press and is said to be highly knowledgeable about creating real message boards.

Farnsworth is famous for several things. The Lexington, Kentucky native is a huge Kentucky Wildcat fan and for years was Eddie Sutton’s main drinking buddy. During Sutton’s coaching tenure, Farnsworth could frequently be seen at home games passed out behind the Kentucky bench.

Farnsworth also has the Kentucky State speed record for downing a fifth of Kentucky Gentleman – 9 seconds flat. He got the nickname “K G” for this feat and also for his “controlled drinking” of limiting himself to a fifth of Kentucky Gentleman a day.

Interestingly, Farnsworth has the Kentucky state record for the largest channel catfish ever caught in that state. The fish weighed in at 68.4 pounds and was caught with a bait made from a secret blend of fermented chitluns.

Sporting Press says that there is no connection between Twombley’s suffocation via chitluns and Farnsworth’s bait.

[AP: New SP CEO Mandates Grooming Standards]

New SP CEO Ellsworth "K G" Farnsworth has implemented new grooming standards for Sporting Press employees.

To wit: henceforth Mohawk and/or Mullet haircuts will no longer be tolerated. Those employees showing up at work effective noon today, 2/27/2008, will have their hair set on fire and will be fired. In other words your hair will be set on fire and you will be terminated as an SP employee.

[AP: SP’s Ellsworth]

2/27/2008

Sporting Press announced today that Ellsworth "K G" Farnsworth has been fired. “We didn’t have no choice,” said SP VP Miles Fishwick. “If he wasn’t passed out, he was pissin’ out his window or out in the hall. And when he weren’t pissin’ he was talking about puttin’ his seed in Norway or some such bullshit. Plus we found out he didn’t know jackshit about message boards and had never even used a computer. He didn’t even know about the internet. Worst of all, he was planning on firing SP employees with Mohawk or Mullet hairdos. Christ! Maybe we coulda vetted him a little better.”

Farnsworth’s firing is the first time a Sporting Press CEO has been “terminated” by non-lethal means. The previous CEO was smothered by chitluns and the two before that spontaneously combusted. Plans are underway to find a new CEO.

[AP: Mullets and Mohawks]

SP has confirmed that 100% of SP personnel have either a Mullet or a Mohawk hairdo, although Mullets are considered more fashionable.

[AP: Mullet Issues]

Alert SP readers already knew that 100% of SP personnel have mullet hairdos. The question is what kind of mullet hairdo.

The range of possibilities is great. Choices include: Death Metal Mullet, Classic Mullet, Muscle Mullet, Redneck Mullet, Stinger Mullet, Camaro Mullet, Serial Killer Mullet, Educated Mullet, Mini-Truck Mullet, El Camino Mullet, Spicy Mullet, Mullatino Mullet, Virgin Mullet, Imposter Mullet, Wife Beater Mullet, Skullet Mullet, Trailer Park Premiere Mullet, Wannabe Mullet, Date Rape Mullet, Repressed Mullet, Child Abuse Mullet, Mulleard Mullet, or Drifter Mullet.

The answer, of course, is the Trailer Park Premiere Mullet.