Skiing Down

SOMEWHERE IN SPIKE'S SECRET COMPOUND IN THE JEMEZ MOUNTAINS (SP) -- The SPORTING PRESS cartoonist recently joined the normally reclusive Spike for a weekend of skiing near his secret compound in the Jemez Mountains of New Mexico.

Comments

[Hans Nabl]

Ah, yes. I recognize those ankles...knees bent....blistering speed. That's the Spike I remember.

[AP: Cher Sues SP Over Pirated Ski Pics]

Clement Haynesworth, Jr., attorney for entertainer Cher, has filed a $10 million lawsuit against Sporting Press.

"Those skiing movies wrongfully displayed on SP," Haynsworth fumed, "were all of Sonny Bono just before he slammed into the tree that killed him. These films are the property of Cher. And you can tell they're fake because the SP guys all have mullets and Sonny didn't. And the guy in the downhill run doesn't have a mullet. Obviously it is Sonny."

[AP: Kennedy's Sue SP AND Cher Over Ski Pics]

Bucky Bouvier, attorney for the Kennedy's, has filed a $20million suit against SP and Cher for misusing Kennedy family archives.

"That was obviously Michael Kennedy just before he slammed into a tree," said a furious Bouvier. "Everyone knows that neither SP personnel nor Sonny Bono can ski."

[AP: SP Cartoonist Retires!]

After flirting with retirement for years, Spike says he means it this time. The Sporting Press tracer quit after a 17-season career in which he dazzled fans with his drawrings and stoned wit.

“I know I can still trace, but it’s like I told my wife, I’m just tired mentally. I’m just tired,” Spike told ESPN’s Chris Mortensen in a voice mail message. "And my hand hurts. So..."

[AP: Aikman says Spike Will Not Retire]

The Hall of Fame quarterback knows how hard it is to walk away from drawring and never look back. Even after a series of concussions led Aikman to retire from the Dallas Cowboys after the 2000 season, he was tempted to come back two years later.

"I was ready to go and had talked with my wife and everything about it," Aikman told The Associated Press by phone.

Aikman figures Spike will feel the same pull the closer college football gets. And he wouldn't be surprised if Spike changes his mind and sends heir apparent, Poopie Boy, back to the bench.

[AP: Sporting Press After Humans]

All this stuff on TV lately about what will happen to Earth if humans disappeared is damn interesting.

Well let us tell you something. Maybe dogs’ll pack up, nuke plants explode, the Hoover Dam collapse, and all that stuff. But Goddamnit Sporting Press will still be around. Bank on it! You know why? Because Sporting Press is run by sub-humans and they won’t disappear like the other pissants. No sir.

You can count on Sporting Press to keep the masses informed even if everyone else is dead.