It's Baseball Season

SOMEWHERE DOODLING (SP) -- When your college basketball team has played its last game and your NBA team is in a tailspin and struggling to grab the last playoff spot in the west ... it's baseball season!!!

That is, unless your hometown team is the Texas Rangers.

Then it's still hockey season and just a few months from Cowboys training camp.

SportsPage Dallas hit me up for another cover illustration. Discerning eyes will notice I forgot to knock out the obnoxiously (oops) red background from the otherwise black-haired GM Jon Daniels ... Nevertheless, here it is:

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[AP: SP to Host Obama-McCain Town Hall Debate]

Sporting Press announced today it will host a Town Hall debate between presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain.

"The beauty of a Town Hall debate," said Bobbi Jo Scruggs, "is that common citizens get to ask the questions and not these dandy-fied talkin' heads like you see on CNN and Fox. I can guarandamntee that folks out here in Arkansas are gonna wanta know just where these boys stand on bestiality. This is gonna be great."

[AP: Obama Chickens Out on SP Town Hall Meeting]

Please tune into The Sporting Press News Channel tonight at 7PM EDT to watch the first 2008 Presidential Town Hall, broadcast from Arkansas. This historic location is where 14 SP employees were recently mummified. Tonight it will play host to John McCain while he answers questions from real people about important issues including the economy, energy prices, beastiality and the war.

Last week, John McCain invited Senator Obama to participate tonight, hoping to start what would be a series of ten town hall meetings where both candidates would travel the country to answer questions from real people. Senator Obama has yet to agree to meet McCain in these town halls as he is a chicken and hates real people.

[Reuters: Sporting Press Hires African Woman as CEO]

Niamey, Niger 7/14/2008 – Sporting Press announced today that it has hired a Niger woman, Mbele Nginnu, as the new company CEO.

“We think it is great having a Niger woman as our CEO,” Sporting Press said in a press release. “What other satirical sports site can boast of being run by a Niger woman? In fact, only one can and that is Sporting Press!”

Ms. Nginnu is expected to take the helm at Sporting Press as soon as the satirical site agrees to pay Ms. Nginnu’s plane fare. SP is notoriously niggardly when it comes to paying employee expenses. In fact, SP owes the deceased LDB something like a gazillion dollars.

The hiring of a Niger woman may indicate the desperation of Sporting Press to regain its stature as a titan in the satirical sports world.

[Reuters: New Sporting Press CEO killed, eaten]

Niamey, Niger 7/22/2008 - Mbele Nginnu, only recently hired as the new Sporting Press CEO, has died. According to witnesses, she was fishing in the Niger River for electric eels. Inexplicably she was using a wire line. When an eel took the bait, a strong electical impulse ran up the line causing Ms. Nginnu to fall into the river where she was promptly eaten by a crocodile.

"Man, it is nuts how all of our CEOs meet an untimely death," said an SP spokesperson. "Ol' Shirley Hartsbarger spontaneously combusted. Another CEO got heated to death by a bunch of mummified people. One of 'em even died from getting hit upside the head with a can of Spam! It don't make no sense."

Sporting Press had no further comment and any plans to hire a new CEO are unknown.

[Reuters - 6 SP Employees Fail Gender Test]

For more than a year, officials have been designing a special laboratory to determine the sex of sports satirists.

The test was given to SP employees and six men were found to be masquerading as women. In fact all had once been members of the Hitler Youth and said that the Nazis had forced them to pretend to be women.

Authorities are totally unsure of what to do next.

[Reuters: China, IOC agree to ban Sporting Press]

The International Olympic Committee has agreed to China’s blocking of certain Internet sites, Sporting Press in particular. According to the IOC “some sensitive sites would be blocked on the basis they were not considered Games related."

A Chinese official noted that “no clazy peopre web sites wirr be torerrated! This new China, no clazy peopre. Chop chop!”

[Reuters: Chinese Soldiers Express Glee Over Whupping SP Satirists]

Chinese police Tuesday said they were glad they beat up two Sporting Press satirists as Beijing's Olympic commitment to allow foreign media freedom came under scrutiny three days before the Games opened.

The glee came after border police "clashed" with the Sporting Press journalists who had arrived at a late night bar and began drinking remnants out of any beer, wine, or whiskey bottle they could get their hands on.

A Chinese spokesman observed that the SP people are "compretry klazy" and deserved a beating.

[Reuters: SP Satirists Piss Off Chinese Yet Again]

"Vely funny," said a Chinese spokesman in regard to the latest antics of the SP satirists. They were spotted near Tiananmen Square wearing black oxygen masks as cod pieces. "We catch them, we make them solly."

[Reuters: Beijing Police Verbally Attack SP Satirists]

The Beijing Chief of Police announced today that all SP satirists will be "experred" from China because they all have buck teeth.

"We not have satilists with buck teeth," the official announced. "They be experred as soon as we catch them. And we make them vely solly befole we road them on prane."

[Reuters: SP Satirists Vow Revenge!]

"We coulda dealt with them bastards whippin' our asses in a bar, but they done gone too far this time!" said SP satirist Bucky Hostetter. "You don't make fun of a satirist's buck teeth! No sir! You'll see maximum revenge, maximum. Take this to the bank!"