Spike Tells a Joke on the Way up the Mountain

SOMEWHERE SKIING THE CATSKILLS (SP) -- More video from the recent trip to Spike's Secret Compound in the Jemez Mountains of New Mexico. This time, Spike passes the time on an extremely long chairlift ride with appropriately long-winded joke.

Comments

[Scott]

Spike! How long have you been tellin' that joke, man?

Look me up: http://www.csun.edu/~sa54649/index.html

[AP: Eliot Spitzer to Join Sporting Press Team?]

Rumors abound that Eliot Spitzer is being wooed by Sporting Press as their new CEO.

“Let’s face it,” said Miles Fishwick, SP’s HR guru, “the last two times we hired a CEO we messed up. We didn’t vet the candidates properly and wound up with poop in our faces. So this time we’re being more careful. Considering that Spitzer won 6 gold medals as an Olympic swimmer, I’d say that’s a good starting point.”

[AP: Correction re Elliott Spitzer]

Numerous Sporting Press readers have written in to point out that Elliott Spitzer won 7, not 6, gold medals in the 1972 Olympics.

AP regrets the error.

[AP: SP Breaks Off Talks With Spitzer]

Sporting Press has ended contract negotiations with Eliot Spitzer.

“Well what happened was,” explained SP’s Miles Fishwick, “we found out he had paid $4,000 and somethin’ fer one piece a pussy. One piece! Now that’s really poor judgment and we don’t want a feller like that with access to SP’s treasury. Hell, there’s a whorehouse down the street, Casa de Carne, and you can get all you want for $30.00 a pop. Cornholin’s a little extra, but Goddamitee!”

Neither Spitzer nor his spokesperson had any comment.

[AP: Former SP guru Otzi, 33-0 in NCAA Brackets]

With his awesome and customary infallibility, Otzi of the Eisack People is 33-0 in his NCAA brackets.

"I woulda shared this with the SP readers," Otzi declared, "but SP is too cheap to pay me the money they owe me. And they thought it would be cute to make fun of my ass. I guess this shows them. The bastards."

[AP: Former SP guru Otzi, 45-0 in NCAA Brackets]

"But they'll never notice," claims Otzi. "You know why? Because they are bigots, bigots! They are prejudiced against mummified people! Bastards.

[AP: Correction: Former SP guru Otzi, 61-0 in NCAA Brackets]

Our AP sports editor was completely drunk when he wrote the 3/31 article. Otzi is 61-0 going into the Final Four.

1 + 32 + 16 + 8 + 4 = 61 with three games to go.

Jesus God, didn't any of you even notice? Does anyone read stuff on this pathetical web site? Now buck up and pay attention!

[AP: Otzi shamed, 61-3 in NCAA Brackets]

Otzi missed the outcome of both semifinal games, ruining a three year streak of perfect picks.

"Well, after all, he IS just a mummified man," said Morton Thorndrake, Las Vegas' head cheese oddsmaker. "He was bound to miss some sooner or later. I mean his brain is just dust and he has this pathetic fake ass and claims he's having sex all the time with mummified women."

Otzi was unavailable for comment except to note that "I do not have a fake ass! That's my real ass! Now stop with the fake ass stuff!

[AP: National Academy of Science - it IS a fake ass]

According to the National Academy of Science Otzi unquestionably has a fake ass.

"It's pathetical how deep in denial Otzi is," said Bubby Poindexter, Chief NAS scientist.

[AP: NAAMP to Boycott Sporting Press?]

Felix Gustafson, Executive Head of the National Association for the Advancement of Mummified People, announced today that the sorry treatment of Otzi by Sporting Press, has not gone unnoticed by the NAAMP. “We already have about 20 Mummified-Americans standing on the street outside SP Headquarters,” Gustafson claimed. “And if SP doesn’t stop making fun of one of our most distinguished Mummifed-Americans, they can expect a whole lot more showing up.”

[AP: Crowd of Disgruntled Mummified-Americans Growing]

Arkansas State Police estimate the crowd of Mummified-Americans gathering outside of Sporting Press HQ has grown to about 60, up from 20 just yesterday. Most of the participants are from Arkansas which the State Police say is slam full of Mummified-Americans.

"It's not like they're noisy or disruptive or anything," said State Police Chief Fred Kednocker. "They just stand there mostly. A lot of 'em have signs that say 'Bastards!'"

Kednocker went on to say that the police don't expect any trouble. "Hell, most of them don't weigh but 30 pounds tops, being dessicated and all like they is."

[AP: Mummifed-American Crowd Grows as Does Strange Structure]

The protest crowd of Mummified-Americans at Sporting Press has grown to some 400 mummies of all descriptions. Otzi has arrived and so have various dignitaries from ancient Egypt, including Ramses the Great and King Tutankhamen.

Ramses is overseeing the construction of a small brick building. Its eventual purpose is unknown but the Arkansas State Police say, “it ain’t no big thang. Looks look they’s building a barbeque pit. Anyhow, Spike and Wild Bill are supposed to be showin’ up soon and I’m shore all this’ll get straightened out.”

[AP: Pope cancels visit to Sporting Press]

Pope Benedict XVI's long planned trip to Sporting Press has been cancelled. "There are serious security issues," said Aaron Epstein the Pope's Security Honcho. "We are concerned that there are some 2,000 irate mummified people milling about."

[AP: Crowd of Mummified People Swells]

Arkansas State Police Chief Fred Kednocker says that there are now some 5,000 Mummified People gathered outside of Sporting Press.

"And it ain't like they's all Mummified-Americans neither. Hell, they's mummies come in here from all over the dang world. Sporting Press sure did piss them off."

[AP: Sporting Press Employees Mummified by Mummy Mob!]

The huge crowd of Mummified People, who have been mustering for days outside Sporting Press HQ, have successfully attacked the compound. All 14 Sporting Press employees were seized by the crowd and mummified in a brick dehydrator.

“Well if that don’t beat all,” said Arkansas State Police Chief Fred Kednocker. “Them mummified people is a hell of a lot craftier than anyone thought. Everyone wondered what ol’ Ramses was doin’ a-buildin’ that little brick thang. Well he was a-buildin’ a goddern kiln is what, a dang dehydrator, just like you’d make jerky with! And them Sportin’ Press fellers wasn’t none too happy ‘bout gettin’ tossed into it neither.”

Witnesses said that the irate mummified crowd grabbed all 14 SP executives and heat-dried them to mummification in about 30 minutes. Spike and Wild Bill showed up about that time to “negotiate” but both of them managed to get away somehow. “Hell, they was a-hightailin’ it too,” Kednocker observed. “I ain’t never seen a dang cartoonist run that fast in my dang life!”

Otzi of the Eisack People was jubilant. “Well now, we’ll just see how they like being Mummified. We’ll see how THEY like it when people make fun of them! Bastards!”

Miles Fishwick, the SP PR guy, had no comment as it takes a while to get used to being mummified and mastering things like speech and ambulation. In fact only a few savant Mummies such as the great Otzi, ever figure out how to talk, much less pick the winners of March Madness.

[AP: Epilogue to Mass Mummification by Mummy Mob!]

According to Otzi of the Eisack People, none of the 14 Sporting Press execs will be "mummy savants". Rather, Otzi explained, "they will be what we call slab mummies, lying on some slab in a museum somewhere."

Meanwhile, Friendly's has purchased the Dr. Cornholing Center, aka Sporting Press HQ.

Speculation is also rampant that the mummification was actually the result of a long-awaited "smiting" by The Lord. Divine Retaliation for the La-Z-Boy cloud cartoon has long been anticipated.