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August 17, 2008

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Reuters: Sporting Press Satirists Get Revenge for Chinese Insult Re Buck Teeth

In a commando raid that conjured up memories of Otto Skorzeny, three SP satirists took revenge last night for an insult by the Chinese government. “I told you people,” said Sporting Press’ Bucky Hostetter, “that the last straw was when the Chinese police made fun of our buck teeth!” The Chinese government had recently announced that “buck-toothed satilists all klazy” and would be “experred from China.”

Around 2:00AM this morning, Beijing time, the three satirists walked into Mao’s tomb. While two of the satirists occupied the attention of the crypt guards, a third, Gompie Showalter, took a huge dump onto the murdering Chairman’s fat moldering head. The three left before the guards noticed anything was amiss.

“Gompie’s been wanting to pinch a loaf on Mao sincet we got here,” said Hostetter. “But if they hadna made fun of our buck teeth, it wouldna happened. Whatever, commies are no match for satirists and I hope America is proud of us.”

Joel Elrod

Look, all you have to do to accurately predict wins and losses is count the number of kickoffs there will be next season.

For example, the Sooners will kick off 120 times in 12 games next season. Subtract 12 from 120 because one kickoff per game is not because the Sooners just scored. So now you have 108 kickoffs from scoring. That's an average of 5 points (6 + 1 + 3 divided by 2) reward for each kickoff and 45 points per game.

Then you do the opponents kickoffs the same way. The average score is like 45-10 which means the Sooners ARE GONNA KICK ASS THIS SEASON....KICK ASS!

Seems like a distinguished sportswriter such as yourself would have known this.

Goddamitee!

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