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September 12, 2008

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Lou Holtz

I know they call him "Spike" because of the #16 nail lodged in his pointed head.

So why do they call you "Brick"?

Also, are you a Catholic?

Lou

Sporting Press Stock Plummets!  Bankruptcy fears...

Sporting Press (SP) stock took a pounding on Wall Street yesterday.

According to Bucky Hostetter, SP spokesman, "it done fell from 50 cent all the way down to 2 cent".

Analysts believe that the drop was caused by SP executives spending all of the profits, not to mention capital, on alcohol and "foreign" cigarettes.

Fed to Bail Out Sporting Press!

The U. S. Government announced today that they will send emergency funding to keep Sporting Press afloat indefinitely. Mort Malinowski, Treasury Department spokesperson, said that the “continued survival of Sporting Press is vital to the nation’s well-being.”

Both presidential candidates weighed in on the matter. Barack Obama said that McCain is an “aging redneck cracker who wouldn’t know a bailout from Viagra.” McCain promptly referred to Obama as a “porch monkey” and slammed him for “injecting race into the presidential campaign.”

Jimmy Carter Slams Fed Bail Out Of Sporting Press

The Bush administration's plan to bail out Sporting Press is "extremely faulty," Former President Jimmy Carter said at a Tuesday night town hall-style meeting.

Carter said he believes action is necessary but is skeptical of "giving a pile of money to a bunch of drunken ninnies."

Bucky Hostetter, SP spokesman, said that Jimmy Carter "ought to read his goddamn Bible a little more carefully" and "spread his cheeks". Hostetter's odd remark was followed by about 20 minutes of dry heaving.

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