National Signing Day: The SportingPress.com Magnificent Seven

Brick Stevens

SportingPress.com Football Editor

It's national signing day for high school football players. It’s also the day where every collegiate football coach in the land publicly lauds his recruiting haul and claims that the new class fills all the team’s needs. Privately, they start updating their resumes and accusing other coaches of cheating.

SportingPress.com's recruiting experts, or as they are known in legal circles, stalkers, have chosen these incoming freshmen for the 2009 SportingPress.com Magnificent Seven:

• Monfort Monfort (WR) 6-8, 230 - Monfort utilized his 4.1 speed to catch 78 touchdown passes in just two years. Graduated with honors from Bishop Frankincense High School two years early. Speaks English, Spanish, French, Russian, Mandarin and Cantonese Chinese, German and Japanese. A white paper describing a flaw in Einstein's "curved space" theory was published in 47 languages and universally hailed by relativity theorists. Signed with MIT. Fall availability questionable. Currently stuck in the seventh dimension.


• Duppy "Voodoo" Patois (LB) 5-11, 245 - Played high school ball in the Dominican Republic. In his senior year alone, Patois was credited with 2,397 unassisted tackles and 4,587 chicken beheadings. Once stopped an opponent by staring at him, causing the player to burst into flames. Signed with LSU.


• Freddy "Big Smell" Olfactory (RB) 6-1, 220 - Despite severe allergies, ran untouched for 9,635 yards and 450 touchdowns in his high school career. Allergic to soap and chemically and naturally derived fragrances. Signed with Texas.


• B.W. "Bull" Trapp (OL) 6-2, 525, Hole in the Ground, Texas – Is capable of playing any position on the offensive line, all at the same time. Gives new, terrifying meaning to the term "pulling guard - and center - and tackle." This Texas blue-chipper set a state record during the 1999 season with 250 pancakes -- not devastating blocks, mind you, but flapjacks downed in a single sitting at the First Baptist Church Youth Group's annual charity breakfast. Once bench pressed a Volkswagen Bug filled with the high school drill team. Celebrated team's district championship victory over arch-rival Eggsuck by eating an entire cow. Biggest negative: Finding pants that fit.


• Masatapa Cantu (LB) 6-4, 230, Fiji Islands -- The Dick Butkus of the Pacific Rim. Lightning fast, fearless and easily riled. Refuses to wear shoulder pads, jersey and helmet. Stays in shape during the summer by rowing from home island to southern California. Once made a wild boar cry. Committed early to Notre Dame, but withdrew after reportedly receiving signal of disapproval from Rumbling God Who Lives High on Angry, Fiery Mountain. Likes to bite. 


• Andre Simmons (WR) 6-3, 185, Thrown Rod, Mich. -- Lanky speedster from state champion Lee Iacocca Preparatory Academy possesses extraordinary pass-catching ability, mostly the result of being born with eight fingers on each hand. Also a whiz at typing and piano. Biggest negative: Finding gloves that fit.


• Steve "Beer Frame" Zcieskiewiczkz (FB) 5-11, 220, Rusty Lake, Pa. -- Used sparingly until his senior year, this quintessential bowling ball-type fullback came from nowhere to lead Earl Anthony High School to a state semi-finals berth. Virtually impossible to tackle from the ankles up or neck down. Slow out of the blocks, but picks up speed once he gets rolling. Overcame troubled youth by pulling himself out of the gutter and facing problems head-on. Said to be leaning toward Penn State, as he admires Joe Paterno's sense of style.