Ramirez Suspended

LOS ANGELES (SP) -- Los Angeles Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez has been suspended for using illegal performance-enhancing drugs. 

Major League Baseball officials discovered Ramirez had been prescribed human chorionic gonadotropin, or H.C.G., a fertility drug for women.

The league suspended Ramirez for 50 games, or long enough to have the child.

Comments

[Difference between Southern Cal and Oklahoma fans]

Fatleberries. They are a plague for Southern Cal fans who are weighted down with them.

http://www.fromoldbooks.org/Grose-VulgarTongue/f/fartleberries.html

Okie fans do not have this problem, 'cause their huge whirlygigs swing around and knock the fartleberries off.

http://www.fromoldbooks.org/Grose-VulgarTongue/w/whirlygigs.html

I hope this is helpful.

[Sporting Press Will Not Cover 2012 Football Season]

According to SP spokesperson Billy Puckett, to do so "would be a goddern waste of time. The dang world is gonna end on 12/21/2012 so what's the use? They won't be able to squeeze the bowl games in before It happens."

[Ah, what's the use?]

David Carradine dies while trying to pleasure himself.

Can't a man even have a little fun any more without dying? Well?

[Erotic Asphyxiation Society Files Suit over Carradine Death]

The American Chapter of the Erotic Asphyxiation Society has filed lawsuits against all of the nation's major news outlets.

Bushrod Fagwell, the attorney for ACEAS, said that the sniggering over Carradine's death was more than the Society can take. "We'll teach these sniggerers a lesson by God! You don't snigger just because a man accidentally dies with a rope tied around his neck and balls. It's NOT funny! Would you snigger if someone died on the crapper or had a heart attack after lighting an exploding cigar? Of course you wouldn't! And you don't snigger because someone died while erotically asphyxiating himself."

None of the major news outlets were available for comment.

[Oklahoma State Fans Distraught]

The total destruction of the Slim Jim plant in Garner, North Carolina today, has thrown Oklahoma States fans into complete disarray.

"Whater we gonna eat to wash down with our RC Cola?" asked Missy Elrod, a long-time Cowboys fan and university PE instructor.

The President of Oklahoma State, Mr. What's-His-Face, has formally asked the governor for a day of mourning.

SP tried to contact the Dean of Academics for additional comments but learned that Oklahoma State doesn't have a Dean of Academics.

[Chattanooga Bakery Bails Out Oklahoma State]

Rosco de Borchgrave, president and CEO of Chattanooga Bakery, is sending a massive supplly of MoonPies® to Stillwater. "It will be there in time for football season," de Borchgrave said.

"If those folks read a little bit, they would know that "RC Cola and a MoonPie®" is the only way to go. Whoever heard of "RC Cola and a SlimJim? Christamittee."

[Sporting Press Receptionist Spontaneously Combusts!]

Dorothy Duddlestein, a receptionist for Sporting Press, spontaneously combusted around lunch time yesterday. Ms. Duddlestein was 38 years old and famous for her occasional nude photos in “Fat Thang” magazine and for “pulling the train” at local college fraternity houses.

SP's Bucky Hostetter witnessed the combustion and observed that “she looked like a goddern napalm bomb goin’ off!”

Amarit Singh, a local pizzeria owner, also witnessed the event. “I was delivering one of our piping hot Thunder Pizzas - deep dish, extra crusty with double mozzarella, sausage, ham, thick-sliced pepperoni, green peppers, onions, mushrooms, and extra sauce with black olives and anchovies on the side. All for $9.95! I barely escaped the flames but got the Thunder Pizza delivered! Next week is two-for-one pizzas!”