The King

SOMEWHERE DOING THE CANNONBALL (SP) -- SportingPress.com digs the new Dunkin Donuts ads featuring former Oklahoma/Dallas Cowboys coach Barry Switzer. 

And to think Joe Paterno once thought he needed to save us from the "Barry Switzer's of the world." Let's see JoePa do the cannonball. We didn't think so.

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[Angry Mob Gathering Again Outside Sporting Press]

According to Rocky Hoffenhoeler, the apparent ringleader, the mob is furious that the Brickster hasn't done his football picks yet.

"Christamighty," Hoffenhoeler extolled, "the goddern football season is only two months away. How in the hell are we supposed to know who to bet on? And I hope them SP boys don't think they can get rid us by firing the flame throwers at us again. We've all got retarded clothes on this time."

[And now Ed McMahon Belongs to the Ages]

He joins Lincoln at last.

And what a pity. McMahon was a huge advocate of Sporting Press and was seldom seen without it. He ghost wrote many of the stories, especially the ones that involved the secret information that SP is so famous for.

His passing will be mourned by four score or more.

[Sporting Press Officially Praises Dead TV Titan]

"Goddamitee," said SP's Bucky Hostetter. "We are really, really, really gonna miss Ed. He was always there for us and never ever forgot to give us our due when we broke some amazing sports story. Our hearts go out to his family and mistress."

[BRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKK]

Back when SP had a real message board we used to see who could be the first to note someone's demise.

I hereby claim Michael Jackson who yesterday was smited by The Lord.

[Surly Mob Disperses, Mourning for Michael Jackson, etc.]

The surly, drunken, usually toothless, smelly, and utterly stoopit mob of Sporting Press fans, incensed by the Brickster's failure so far to post football picks, has dispersed.

The overwhelming sadness of Michael Jackon's death played a significant part in the dispersal. So did the deal they struck with Sporting Press management - they leave and they don't get incinerated by the ever ready flame throwers constantly pointed in their direction.

[BILLY MAYS DIES!]

With the death of Billy Mays, the sports world has taken another huge emotional hit.

Joe DiMaggio said Mays had the greatest throwing arm in baseball. Mays's 7095 putouts are the all-time record for an outfielder, but Mays excelled as a hitter as well. His career batting average was .302. For eight years running, he drove in more than 100 runs a year, and his 660 home runs put him in third place for the all-time home run record. He won the Gold Glove Award 12 times. He was voted Most Valuable Player in the National League in both 1954 and 1965. Small wonder one sportswriter remarked that "Billy Mays should play in handcuffs to even things up."

After his baseball career Mays hooked up with and became the spokesman for Oxiclean.

[CORRECTION Re "Billy Mays Dies!"]

The Sporting Press statistician made a typo in regard to Billy Mays' 7095 putouts. The correct number is 7096.

Sporting Press regrets the error and we hope that it did not cause our readers any incontinence.

[karl lazlo]

what in the world is the sham-wow guy gonna say at billy's funeral?

[The Sham-wow guy?]

The Sham-Wow guy?

C'mon the Sham-Wow guy never played major league baseball so I seriously doubt he would be invited to Mays' funeral.

Goddamitee!

[Hitler Gets the News About Michael Jackson's Death.]

And, Christ, is he furious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELyTBXzfQJ8

[Sporting Press Closed Today, 7/7/2009]

This is why the building is draped with black bunting. Sporting Press is closed to honor and mourn the greatest American of all time - Michael Jackson. (So please quit knocking on the door, it disturbs our day long religious festivities).

All of America should be reflective today and mourn the death of this great performer and former Negro.

[CALLING ALL FORMER GRAVY BARN POOSTERS!]

(Yes, this includes The Man and that Asian hockey playing kid)

Since Kansai Krap lost over 1/2 their value in the financial meltdown last year, they ain't in any position to offer up a message board to post on - but there is an alternative:

http://slickdawg.com/

Come for the sports, stay for the jackassery.

We'll be waiting.

[Billy Sims]

CHRIST ALMIGHTY!!!

The Scribbler has been bought off by T.Boone Pickens! Orange & Black?!??

BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!
BOOMER!

[..and THAT'S the way it is...]

BBRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK!!!!!

[Cronkite's Final Wish Denied]

Unfortunately the Weinermobile will not be available to serve as Cronkite's hearse. It was badly damaged in a wreck yesterday and is out of service.

Wienermobile Crashes Into Mount Pleasant Home
http://www.channel3000.com/news/20093771/detail.html

[Say it ain't so Billy!]

Billy Mays, the greatest baseball player in history, was snorting coke? Billy Mays?

Ah what's the use?

[Woman Sets Fire to Cartoonist's Genitals]

A San Angelo woman, furious at the lack of of new cartoons on Sporting Press, set fire to a cartoonist's genitals last night.

The unidentified woman is being praised by her hometown for what she did. "It was the right thing to do," said police spokesperson Takeisha Camden. "What other recourse do the common folks have?"

No charges will be filed since there is no law in Texas that prohibits setting lazy ass cartoonist's genitals on fire.

[Brick Badly Burned in Ass Fire]

Brick, Sporting Press' infallible prognosticator, has been hospitalized with a very badly burned ass.

According to SP's Bucky Hostetter, "Brick should be OK in week or so. Maybe this will give him time to get his ass in gear and start writin' some funny stories."

According to police, unidentified Sporting Press fans "lit a fire under Brick's ass to motivate him". Apparently the acclerant was surplus napalm, which "is not normally used to light a fire under someone's ass. Way too powerful."

Police say no charges will be filed as there is no law in Texas prohibiting the lighting of a fire under a lazy ass sports satirist's ass.