Sporting Press

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Seven

By Brick Stevens

My pet monkey Corso drew names from a hat to select the Smack Pack Top 11 last week. Two of his picks, Kansas (4) and Virginia Tech (8) were upset. Florida and Texas, two of his top three teams, were unimpressive. Florida beat Arkansas thanks to two of the worst calls the Brickster has ever seen. And Texas beat an injury-ravaged Oklahoma team by a field goal.

So I took the hat away from Corso and decided to pick 'em myself.

1. Notre Dame
The refs really screwed up at the end of this game. They SHOULD have continued to give Notre Dame extra seconds and extra downs until they tied USC in regulation and forced an overtime. Still, a one-touchdown loss to the Trojans is good enough to land the Irish in the top spot. Can I get an amen?

2. Alabama
Alabama-Notre Dame? Now THAT'S a championship game. Assuming the refs play along.

3. Iowa
I know the Big 10 sucks. You know the Big 10 sucks. But 7-0 counts for something around here.

4. Cincinnati
I know the Big East sucks. You know the Big East sucks. But 7-0 counts for something around here.

5. Texas
I know the Big 12 sucks. You know the Big 12 sucks. But 6-0 counts for something around here.

6. Boise State/TCU
I know the Western Athletic Conference sucks. Well, you know the rest.

7. USC/Oregon
Halloween treat.

8. Miami
It's hard to get on the Jacory Harris bandwagon with a boring win over Central Florida.

9. Arkansas
Best .500 team in America.

10. Houston
I was going to put Oklahoma State in this spot. But, well, how could I justify that?

11. Florida
Sorry Gators, I'm putting Saturday's game in the loss column.

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Six

By Brick Stevens

Nick Saban's Crimson Tide is the best and most complete team in the country. After Alabama, it's Texas and Florida, not necessarily in that order. 

1. Alabama
2. Florida
3. Texas

Bama beat Ole Miss 22-3 to advance to 6-0. 

Texas rushed for a whopping 46 yards and struggled at home against 1-4 Colorado. 

And in the week's Big Game, Florida at LSU, the flashier of the two offenses ran a dive play, like, 50 straight times.

Beyond those three teams, you might as well put the rest of the Top 25 in a hat and have a monkey draw names ... which is exactly what I did this week. Here's the remainder of this week's Smack 11, as randomly drawn by my pet monkey, Corso.

4. Kansas
5. Oklahoma State
6. Penn State
7. Cincinnati
8. Virginia Tech
9. Oregon
10. USC
11. Miami

 Amazingly, none of these teams played anyone within sniffing distance of the top 25 - and USC had a bye week.

Daily Doodle: Cowboys' Miles Austin Carries a Load

FSU Plots Bowden's Exit

TALLAHASSEE (SP) -- Bobby Bowden's job security seemed to take another hit today when it was discovered that Florida State University has purchased a cemetery plot for its 79-year-old coach.

"Coach Bowden is the picture of health and we hope he is the coach of Florida State for, well, years to come," said university president T. K. Wetherall. "But, you know, things happen. But we would never, um, kill him to get him out of here. That's not the Seminole way."

The plot in question is located in a sports-themed cemetery and crematorium called "The Bitter End Zone." Sources say a backhoe is on stand by at the facility.

Bowden has been under intense scrutiny since the chair of FSU's board of trustees called for him to step down after the team's 2-3 start. 

Talk of Bowden's exit has been going on for sometime in Tallahassee. If the writing was not on the wall, it was certainly on the field. The university named its football field for the coach a few years ago. Then FSU named Jimbo Fisher its "head coach in waiting."

This summer, the university moved the head coach parking spot to the middle of a student parking several blocks -- and several busy intersections -- from the football offices.

In August, a hot and humid month in Tallahassee, the university announced a new "green initiative" to cut energy costs by turning off the air conditioning in Bowden's office.

A few weeks later, the coaches dining room began serving food items high in fat sodium. 

Sources tell Sporting Press that the university also discussed after-life alternatives for Bowden with Scottsdale, Ariz.-based Alcor Life Extension Foundation, the worldwide leader in cryonics. Its lab is said to house corpses, including the remains of baseball great Ted Williams. Sources nixed this idea as a re-animated Bowden would likely demand his job back in the future.

Daily Doodle: Stoops' Cash for Clunkers

Three and OUT: Vikings/Packers on Monday Night Football

1. Oklahoma Sooners
OU lost the nation's top tight end prior to the first game. Lost the nation's top QB in the first game. And lost their top receiver in Miami this weekend. One more injury and the Sooners qualify for the Cash for Clunkers program.

2. Vikings/Packers on Monday Night Football
Does it get any better than that?

3. Tigers/Twins ... one game playoff for the AL Central Title
Yes. Yes it does get better than Vikings/Packers.

That's three and I ... am ... OUT!

Smack College Football Top 11: Week Whatever-It-Is...

 

 By Brick Stevens

Don't forget to check out the great Smack-Talking Tees available online at Smack Apparel.

1. Alabama
I look at the AP poll and scratch my head that Texas is ranked higher than Bama right now. Do the voters watch football?

2. Texas
I look at the AP poll and scratch my head that Florida is ranked higher than Texas right now. Do the voters watch football?

3. Virginia Tech
34-26 score over Duke. I'm always surprised that Duke plays football.

3. Miami
Back in the Smack Pack after dismantling Oklahoma.

4. TCU
Toads stay in position ... with a win over school that willingly accepted the George W. Bush library.

5. LSU/Kansas
If 4-0 LSU can be in the Top 11, so can 4-0 Kansas. Jayhawks have a better QB and bigger coach.

6/7. Iowa/Cincinnati
Welcome to the Smack Pack, Iowa and Cincinnati. The Hawkeyes host Tate Forcier and a suddenly struggling Michigan. The Bearcats take a week off and then get the suddenly strong S. Florida Bulls.

8. USC
Now that they have their annual Pac 10 meltdown out of the way, who's going to stop Pete Carroll's Trojans?

9. Florida
Unimpressive during their bye week. The good news? They get to knock LSU out of the Smack Pack nest week.

10. Boise State
You struggle against UC-Davis and UC-Afallinthepoll. Upset special next week in Tulsa.

11. Notre Dame
Nice OT win over a decent Washington team ... but if they lose to USC in their next game, even I can't keep 'em in the poll.

DOWN AND OUT

Oklahoma
Started game one without the nation's best tight end. Started game two without the nation's best quarterback. And they lose their top receiver in Miami. Bob Stoops has obviously angered the Football Gods.

Michigan
Forcier forcied a pass in OT.

Houston
We have a problem. 

Daily Doodle: Tiger Joins the Billionaire Club

Tennessee Klan Recruit Backs Out of Verbal Commitment

By Brick Stevens

KNOXVILLE, TENN. (SP) - A Tennessee recruit has backed out of his verbal commitment to play for the Volunteer basketball team, following controversial remarks made by its coach at a recent fundraising event.

Vols coach Bruce Pearl was caught on camera quipping "“I’ve got a tough job. I’ve got to put these guys from different worlds together, right? I’ve got guys from Chicago, Detroit. I’m talking about the ’hood! And I’ve got guys from Grainger County, where they wear the hood!”

Dolph "Blitzkrieg" Reichart, a hulking power forward from just outside of Bean Station, Tennessee, said he was offended by the remark and announced he had withdrawn his verbal commitment to Tennessee and would consider offers from other universities. He is said to be leaning toward Bob Jones University.

Reichart has gone largely unnoticed by other schools because he has been home schooled in a white supremacist compound and has refused to play any competition against African-American players. 

Reichart measures 7-2 to the tip of his white hood. College basketball recruiting experts believe he is closer to 6-9. Reichart led his team, the Grand Dragons, with 38 points and 22 rebounds a game in league play against other teams of home-schooled children from the area.

Fans Fear Tebow ... Human

By Brick Stevens

GAINESVILLE, FLA. (SP) - Fans watched in horrified disbelief Saturday as Florida quarterback Tim Tebow left Saturday's game against Kentucky in the back of an ambulance. 

For many Gator fans, it confirmed their worst fears: Tebow is human.

"A lot of us thought he was, like, invincible. So this comes as a bit of a shock. I don't really know what to, like, believe now. It seems like my entire world has changed," said Debra Sandy, 21, a business major at Florida.

"If Tim Tebow is merely human ... why have rules or values? Why have morals?" said Ernest Fever, 28, an undergraduate student in the university's philosophy department.

"I'm taking a wait-and-see approach," said David Dunning, a local minister. "My guess is he returns in three days and his disciples, er, teammates will be ready for LSU."

Gator fans and Gainesville authorities were interested in Kentucky defensive end Taylor Wyndham.

"I just think it's wrong that he comes into our stadium and hits our Tim like that," said Danny Dimmer, 19. "Florida's a death penalty state. I'm just saying..."

"I suspect Wyndham is a member of the Illuminati," said Dunning.

Gainesville police detained Wyndham after the game for questioning. Smack Sports has learned that the NCAA has formally requested that Wyndham be tested for illegal substances, specifically kryptonite.